英语笑话【 英语笑话【Laughter】 】 Recently,I received a call from a woman who wanted to replace some chair of a dining set bought from us in the 1930s.I assured her we could help and sought the assistance of the office manager.“You’ll never beileve this one,”I told the office manager.“I just got a call from a customer who bought some chair from us in the 1930s.”Before I could finish,he interrupted and said,“Don’t tell me she hasn’t received them yet!” 最近,我接到一个妇女的电话。她上个世纪 30 年代从我们这里 买了一套餐厅家具,现在想来换一些椅子。我跟她说我们可以帮忙, 并向部门经理提了出来。 “你肯定不会相信, ”我对部门经理说, “我 刚接到一个顾客的电话,她在 30 年代就从我们这买了一些椅子。 ”我 还没来得及说完,经理就打断我说: “不要告诉我她到现在还没有收 到货啊! ”
Man:Why did you make women so beautiful? God:So that you will love them. Man:But why did you make them so dumb? God:So that they will lov you. 男子:你为什么让女人生得那么美? 上帝:这样你才会爱上她们呀! 男子:可你为什么又让女人那么笨呢?
上帝:这样她们才会爱上你呀!
Father:Is the school closed today? Son:No,Dad.It’s poen.I came home early. Father:How did you do that? Son:I told my teacher I had a new baby brother and had to come home and help you. Father:But your mother has had twins.You’ve got a baby brother and a baby sister. Son:Yes,I know,Dad.I’m saving up my baby sister for next week. 父亲:今天学校放假了吗? 儿子:没有,爸爸。我提前回来了。 父亲:为什么? 儿子:我跟老师说,我有一个小弟弟,我得回家帮你。 父亲:但是你妈妈生了双胞胎,你有一个小弟弟和一个小妹妹。 儿子:是的,我知道,爸爸,我要等下个星期再说我有个小妹妹了。
After waiting over 3 frustrating hours at the airport for the arrival of a plane that had been delayed for take-off, a man approached the boarding desk and asked for an arrival-time update.He was concerned because he was meeting his nephew and this was the boy’s 1st flight."How old is the boy?"the airline representative asked solicitously."He was 6 when
he left for the airport,"the man replied sharply. 因飞机起飞延误,一个人在机场等着接人已 3 个小时了。他走近 问询处打听飞机到达时间的最新消息。他非常着急,因为他是来接侄 子的,而侄子是第一次乘飞机。 “男孩多大了?”航空公司的人关心 的问。 “他出发去机场时 6 岁。 ”他毫不客气地回答。
Dear God:I bet it is very hard to love everyone in the whole world.there are only 4 people in our family and I’m havingf a hard time loving all of them. 亲爱的上帝: 我猜爱世界上每一个人是很困难的事。我家只有 4 个人,可我爱 他们都很难。
Three fastest means of communcation:
  1.Tele-Phone
  2.Tele-Vision
  3.Tele-a Woman For faster transmission-Tell her not to tell anybody. 三种最快的传播方式:
  1.电话
  2.电视
  3.告诉女人 如果想要传播 更快,告诉她别跟任何人说。
Customer:Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee.It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of charge today. Waiter:Sir,everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup.Itwill be wonderful if youdrink it from an empty cup today.
顾客:你每天都收我咖啡的钱,要是今天不收就太好了。 服务员:先生,你每天都从盛满咖啡的杯子里喝咖啡,要是今天从空 杯子里喝就好了。
Attorney:She had 3 children,right? Witness:Yes. Attorney:How many were boys? Witness:None. Attorney:Were there any girls? 律师:她有 3 个孩子,是吗? 证人:是的。 律师:几个男孩? 证人:没有男孩。 律师:有女孩吗?
John:Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat? Father:Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals! Mother:Why did you ask the question,John? John:It’s because I saw one on daddy’s on daddy’s lettuce,but now it’s gone. 约翰:爸爸,毛毛虫能吃吗? 爸爸:我没告诉过你不能在吃饭时说这些吗?
妈妈:你为什么问这个呢,约翰? 约翰:因为我看到爸爸的生菜里有一只,不过现在没了。 A man goes to a chemist and asks for a cure hiccps.The chemist makes the man bend over and gives him a hard slap on his back and asks,"Have they gone?"The man replied,"I don’t know,my wife’s in the car but I’ll check." 一个男人去问药剂师怎么治打嗝。要及时让他弯下腰,然后狠狠 地在他背上拍了一下问: “还打嗝吗?”男人回答: “我不知道,我老 婆在车里,我去看看。 ”
In a hospital waiting room:Smoking help you lose weight…one lung at a time! 医院候诊室:吸烟有助于减肥,一次减一个肺。
A lady noticed her husband standing on the bathroom scale,sucking in his stomach.Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver,she commented,"I don’t think that’s going to help.""Sure it will,"he said."It’s the only way I can see the numbers." 一个女人看见丈夫使劲收腹站在体重秤上,以为他想称得轻一 点,就说: “没用的。 ”丈夫说: “当然有用,这样我才能看到秤上的 数字。 ”
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend .A successful woman is one who can find such a man. 成功的男人是赚的钱比老婆花的钱多的人, 成功的女人是能找到 这样的男人的人。
Customer:I’ve been ringing 07002300 for 2 days and can’t get through to enquiries,can you help? Operator:Where did you get that number form,sir? Customer:It was on the door to the Travel Centre. Operator:Sir,they are our opening hours. 顾客:我拨 07002300 拨了两天都没人接,怎么回事呀? 接线员:先生,请问您在哪看到这个号码的? 顾客:旅行社门上。 接线员:先生,那是我们的营业时间。
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience. 结婚是幻想战胜了智慧,二婚是希望战胜了经验。
Tom:How should I convery the news to my father that I have failed my exams again? David:You just send a telegram:Result declared,past year’s performance
repeated. 汤姆:我怎么跟我爸爸说考试挂了呢? 大卫:发个电报:结果已出,去年成绩在现。
Friend:How many women do you believe a man must marry? Mr.Bean:
  16. Friend:Why? Mr.Bean:Because the priest say 4 (for)richer,4 poorer,4 better and 4 worse. 朋友:你认为男人应该娶几个女人? 憨豆先生:16 个。 朋友:为什么? 憨豆先生:因为牧师说 4 个富的,4 个穷的,4 个好的,4 个坏的。
"Can I go to the theatre?"asked a mosquito to her mother."Yes,but be aware and pay attention during the applause." “我可以去电影院吗?”一只蚊子问妈妈。 “可以,但是要小心, 观众鼓掌的时候可要留神。 ”
A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door at the first house on the street.Before the lady could speak,the enthusiastc salesman barged into the living room and opened a big black plastic bag and
poured all the cow droppings onto the carpet."Madam,if I could not clean this up with the use of this new powerful vacuum cleaner,I will est it all!"exclaimed the eager salesman."Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?"asked the lady.The bewildered salesman asked," Why ,madam?""There’s no electricity in the house,"said the lady. 一个吸尘器推销员敲开街上第一户人家的门。 女主人还没来得及 说话,推销员就冲进屋子,打开大黑塑料袋,把牛粪倒在地毯上说, “夫人,如果我不能用这个吸尘器清理干净,就吃掉这些牛粪! ”女 主人问: “你需要辣椒酱还是番茄酱?” 推销员疑惑的问: “为什么?” 女主人说: “屋里没电。 ”
A teacher was given a ticket for driving through a red light. When she appeared in traffic court,she asked the judge for immediate attention to her case as she was due to be back in class.The judge looked at her sternly and said,"So,you’re a school teacher?I am about ambition.You sit down at that table over there and write' went through a red light' I 500 times!" 一名教师因为闯红灯被开罚单。她到了交通法庭后,要求法官先 处理她的案子,因为她要赶回去上课。法官严厉地看着她说: “你是 老师啊,那我终于可以实现我这辈子的愿望了。你坐到桌子那边去, 写 500 遍‘我闯红灯了’” !
Interviewer:Imagine you are in a locked room,and all the doors and windows are closed.How can you escape if the room catches fire? John:Simple!Stop imagining. 面试官:想像一下,你被锁在一间屋子里,所有的门窗都关上了。如 果屋子着火了,你怎么逃出去? 约翰:简单,停止想想。
Soon after their wedding,the bride told her groom,"Darling,now that we are married,I want you to fire your secretary.""But honey,"replied the groom, " You used to be a secretary youself. " " Yes, " she continued,"and that’s why Iwant you to fire her!" 婚礼一结束, 新娘就对新郎说: 心爱的, “ 我想让你开除你的秘书。 ” 新郎说: “但是,亲爱的,你自己以前也是秘书啊。 ”新娘说: “是啊, 所以我才让你开出她。 ”
A man was bragging about his sister who disguised herself as a man and joined the army.Listeners said,"She’ll have to dress with the boys and shower with them too.Won’t she?""Sure,"replied the man." Well,won’t they find out?"The man shrugged."But who’ll tell?" 一个男人吹牛说他妹妹打扮成男人参军了。听的人说: “那她得 穿男人的衣服,还得和他们一起洗澡了?”男人人说: “当然。 ”听的 人说: “那他们不会发现吗?”男人耸耸肩说: “但谁会说出去呀?”
Teacher:Sam,youtalk a lot! Sam:It’s a family tradition. Teacher:What doyoumean? Sam:Sir,My grandpa was a street hawker,my father is a teacher. Teacher:What about your mother? Sam:She’s a woman. 老师:萨姆,你说话太多了! 萨姆:这是家庭传统。 老师:什么意思? 萨姆:先生,我祖父是街头小贩,我爸爸是老师。 老师:那你妈妈呢? 萨姆:她是女人。
Teacher:What are some products of the West Indies? Student:I don’t know. Teacher:Of course,you do.Where do you get sugar from? Student:We borrow it from our neighbor. 老师:西印度群岛都产什么? 学生:不知道。 老师:你当然知道。糖从哪来的? 学生:邻居家借的。
John was drawing money from an ATM.Jack,who was right behind him in line said,"Ha!Ha!I’ve seen your password.It’s 4 asterisks."John replied,"Ha!Ha!You are wrong.it’s 12
  58" 约翰正从自动取款机取钱。站在他身后的杰克说: “哈哈,我看到 了你的密码了,是4个星。 ”约翰回答说: “哈哈,你错了,是125 8”
A womgan and her husband interrupted their vacation to go to the dentist."I want a tooth pulled,and I don’t want Novocain because I’m in a big hurry,"the woman said.The dentist was quite impressed."You’re certainly a courageous woman,"he said."Which tooth is it?"The woman turned to her husband and said,"Show him your tooth dear." 一个女人和丈夫在休假期间去看牙医。女人说: “我要拔牙,我们赶 时间就不用打麻药了。 ”牙医惊讶地说: “您太勇敢了,要拔哪颗?” 女人转过头对丈夫说: “亲爱的,给他看看你的牙。 ”
Santa:Wwhat kind of wife do you want? Pappu:Exactly like the moon:one which appears at night and disappears in the morning! 圣诞老人:你想要什么样的老婆? 帕普:像月亮那样的,晚上出来白天消失。
Law of encounters:The probabillty of meeting someone you know increases when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with. 相遇定律:你越不想被人碰到跟某人在一起,就越是被人碰到。
Law of queue:If you change queues,the one you have left will start to move faster than the one you are in now. 排队定律:如果你换一队,刚离开的那队就会比现在的这队走得 快。
Customer:Waiter,waiter!There is a frog in my soup! Waiter:Sory,sir.The fly is on vacation. 顾客:服务员,服务员!我的汤里有只青蛙! 服务员:对不起,先生。苍蝇放假了。
Boss:I’ll give you RMB3000 per month and in 3 months,I’ll raise it to RMB60
  00.So when would you like to start? John:In 3 months. 老板:我每月给你 3000 元,3 个月后涨到 6000 元。你想什么时候开 始工作。 约翰:3 个月后。
Daughter:Why are some of your hairs white,Mom? Mom:Well,every time that you do something wromg and make me cry or unhappy,one of my hairs turns white. Daughter:Mom,how come all of grandma’s hairs are white. 女儿:妈妈,你为什么有好几根白头发? 妈妈:每次你做错了事,惹我生气或是流泪,我就会有根头发变白。 女儿:
 

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