教你说地道的英语笑话 第一章 幽默小火花 Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. 钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡. One should love animals. They are so tasty. 每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃. Love the neighbor. But don't get caught. 要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道. Behind every successful man, there is a woman. And behind every unsuccessful man, there are two. 每个成功男人的背后都有一个女人,每个不成功男人的背后都有两个女人? Every man should marry. After all, happiness is not the only thing in life. 再快乐的单身汉迟早也会结婚,幸福不是永久的嘛. The wise never marry, And when they marry they become otherwise. 聪明人都是未婚的,结婚的人很难再聪明起来. Success is a relative term. It brings so many relatives. 成功是一个相关名词,他会给你带来很多不相关的亲戚(联系). Never put off the work till tomorrow what you can put off today. 不要等明天交不上差再找借口, 今天就要找好. Love is photogenic. It needs darkness to develop. 爱情就象照片,需要大量的暗房时间来培养. Children in backseats cause accidents. Accidents in backseats cause children. 后排座位上的小孩会生出意外, 后排座位上的意外会生出小孩. "Your future depends on your dreams." So go to sleep. "现在的梦想决定着你的将来",所以还是再睡一会吧. There should be a better way to start a day than waking up every morning. 应该有更好的方式开始新一天,而不是千篇一律的在每个上午都醒来. "Hard work never kills anybody." But why take the risk? " 努力工作不会导致死亡!"不过我不会用自己去证明. "Work fascinates me." I can look at it for hours! "
工作好有意思耶!"尤其是看着别人工作. God made relatives; Thank God we can choose our friends. 神决定了谁是你的亲戚,幸运的是在选择朋友方面他给了你留了余地. When two's company, three's the result! 两个人的状态是不稳定的,三个人才是! A dress is like a barbed fence. It protects the premises without restricting the view. 服饰就象铁丝网,它阻止你冒然行动,但并不妨碍你尽情地观看. The more you learn, the more you know, The more you know, the more you forget. The more you forget, the less you know. So why bother to learn. 学的越多,知道的越多, 知道的越多;忘记的越多, 忘记的越多;知道的越少, 为什么学 来着?!
第二章 爱情中的幽默 She was his secretary before they got married. Now she's his treasurer. 在他们结婚之前她是他的秘书,现在她是他的"出纳". My wife and I have an agreement that we never go to sleep angry with each other. We've been awake now for nearly 6 months. . 我和我妻子达成了一个协议: 绝不在和对方生气的情况下去睡觉. 结果我们已经 6 个月 没睡觉了 My wife always lets me have the last word. It's usually, 'Yes.' 我妻子总是让我最后拿主意.我总是说:是. A husband is a man with lots of small mouths to feed and one big one to listen to. 所谓丈夫就是要喂许多张小嘴吃饭还要听一张大嘴说话的男人. He's a bachelor by choice. Sometimes his own, but mostly the choice of the women he's dated. 他之所以单身事出有因. 有时那是他自己选择, 而绝大多数时候则是那些他所约会的女 人的选择. Whenever I meet a man who would make a good husband, he already is. 每当我遇到一个我觉得会是个好丈夫的男人时,他都已经是了. The only person who's asked her to get married is her mother. 唯一想叫她结婚的人就是她母亲.
I think- therefore I'm single. 我思考--所以我单身 A wallflower is a man whose phone doesn't ring- even when he's in the bath. 所谓局外人就是那些电话从不响的男人--即使当他们在洗澡的时候. 10 A bachelor is a man who never chases a woman he can't outrun. 单身汉就是那些决不追赶那些他们无法追上的女人的男人. 11 The days just prior to marriage are like a snappy introduction to a tedious book. 婚前的日子相对于婚姻来说就像是一本冗长乏味的书的一段短小精悍的序言. 12 One should always be in love-that is one reason why one should never marry. 人们应该永远沉浸在爱之中--这就是人们应该永远不要结婚的理由之一. 13 Marriage is a very good thing, but I think it's a mistake to make a habit of it. 结婚是件好事,可我认为如果把它当作一种习惯就不好了. 14 It destroys one's nerves to be amiable every day to the same human being. 如果每天都对着同一个人和蔼可亲会使人的神经崩溃的. 15 What did you do before you married? -Anything I wanted to! 你结婚之前都干什么了?--我喜欢干的所有事! 16 The truth is, I regret the day I was married. -You're lucky. I was married for a whole month! 事实上,我对我结婚的那天真感到后悔.--你很幸运!我的婚礼持续了整整一个月. 17 Did your wife have anything to say when you got home late last night? -No, but it didn't stop her talking for hours. 昨晚你回家晚了时你妻子对你说什么了吗?--没,但这并不妨碍她连说几个小时一直没 停嘴. 18 You know the honeymoon's over when the groom stops helping his wife with the dishes- and starts doing them himself! 你知道吗,新郎不帮妻子刷碗而开始自己刷碗的时候就意味着蜜月结束了.
19 There's only one thing that keeps me from being happily married- my wife. 唯一让我的婚姻得不到幸福的就是--我妻子. 20 Marriage is just another union that defies management. 婚姻就是一个反抗管理的联盟. 恋爱中的人 1 Love is like war, easy to begin but hard to end. 爱就像一场战争,开战容易停火难. 2 Love opens your chest and opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. 爱扒开你的胸膛,掏出你的心脏,有人就乘机侵入你的心胸把你搞得一团糟. 3 Does God punish or reward us with love? 爱,是上帝用来惩罚我们的还是奖赏我们的呢? 4 Love your neighbor, but don't get caught. 爱你的邻家女孩吧,但注意不要被逮着了. 5 I love a hand that meets my own with a grasp that causes some sensation. 我喜爱这样的一只手,它的力度让我有几分感觉的手. 6 The way to love anything is to realize that it might be lost. 珍爱一切的好办法是:意识到你可能会失去它. 7 Love is like quicksilver in the hand. Leave the fingers open and it stays. Clutch it, and it darts away. 爱就像是握在手里的水银,把手指张开,它好好的呆在那里,要是你紧紧抓着,它反而 溜走了. 8 If you judge people, you have no time to love them.
老是审视别人的话,你就腾不出时间去爱他们了. 9 A very small degree of hope is sufficient to cause the birth of love. 极其微弱的一线希望就足以点燃爱的火花. 10 At the touch of love, everyone becomes a poet. 一谈到爱,每个人都变成了一位诗人. 11 Sometimes the perfect person for you is the one you least expect. 有时候,最适合你的人恰恰是你最没有想到的人. 12 How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard. 我是多么幸运啊,拥有一样东西让我的"再见"迟迟说不出口. 13 The Eskimos have 52 words for snow because it is so special for them; there ought to be as many for love! 爱斯基摩人有 52 个分别表示"雪"的词语,因为雪在他们的生活中太重要了;我们也应 该有这么多表达"爱"的词语啊! 14 If equal affection cannot be, let the more loving one be me. 如果世上真的不存在两方对等的爱,就让付出更多的一方是我吧. 15 When two eyes meet and hold strongly, they are bound to meet again. 当两眼相遇久久凝视,这两双眼睛注定将会再一次相遇. 16 I love being married. It's so great to find one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. 我喜欢成家,拥有一个在自己的余生中特别想去得罪的人,这不是一件很美好的事情 吗? 17 Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile. 爱不是把地球变圆,爱是让环球旅行有价值. 18 To love is to be vulnerable.
去爱一个人就是把自己变得特别脆弱. 19 Love at first sight never happens before breakfast. 一见钟情的爱从来不会发生在饥肠辘辘的早餐以前. 20 To love is not to look at one another, but to look together in the same direction. 相爱不是你看我我看你,而是一起朝着相同的方向望去. 21 I wasn't kissing her, I was whispering in her mouth. 注意了,我不是在吻她,我只是在她的嘴边呢喃. 22 My love is like an ocean; it goes down so deep. My love is like a rose; whose beauty you want to keep. 我的爱就像浩瀚的海洋,它深沉厚重;我的爱就像芬芳的玫瑰,你疼爱珍重. 23 All shall be well, and Jack shall have Jill. 一切都会好起来,她会向你走过来. 24 First love is only a little foolishness and a lot of curiosity. 初恋只是一分傻冒再加九分好奇. 25 When you love someone, all your saved-up wishes start coming out. 当你爱上一个人的时候,所有深藏在心的祝福都奔涌而出了. 26 Came but for friendship, and took away love. 你为友情而来,却把爱情带走. 27 For, you see, each day I love you more, today more than yesterday and less than tomorrow. 你看,每一天我都爱你多一些,今天比昨天多但比明天少. 28 Love doesn't sit there like a stone. It has to be made like bread; remade all the time..made new. 爱不是一块木头,一动不动的坐在那里;对待爱,要像做面包那样--反复揉搓,不断翻 新.
29 A man falls in love through his eyes, a woman through her ears. 男人是透过他的眼睛捕捉爱意的,女人是通过她的耳朵体验爱意的. 30 Life is a flower of which love is the honey. 人生是鲜花,爱情是蜂蜜. 恋爱中的女人说 Females say that..... men are hard to please 男人很难取悦!! the problems with guys: 男人的问题是: if u treat him nicely, he says u are in love with him; 如果你对他好,他说你爱上他了. if u don\'t, he says u are proud. 对他不好,他说你骄傲. if u dress nicely, he says u are trying to lure him; 如果你穿得很漂亮,他说你企图诱惑他. if u don\'t, he says u are from kampong. 如果不,他说你是乡下来的 if u argue with him, he says u are stubborn; 如果你跟他理论,他说你固执 if u keep quiet, he says u have no brains. 如果你沉默,他说你没大脑! if u are smarter than him, he\'ll lose face; 如果你比他聪明,他说那是小聪明 if he\'s smarter than u, he is great. 如果他比你聪明,他就是有智慧! if u don\'t love him, he tries to possess u; 如果你不爱他,他想拥有你 if u love him, he will try to leave u.(very true huh?) 如果你爱他,他试着离开你. if u don\'t make love with him., he says u don\'t love him; 如果你不跟他做爱,他说你不爱他 if u do!! he says u are cheap. 如果跟他做,他说你是贱货! if u tell him your problem, he says u are troublesome; 如果你告诉他你的问题,他说你麻烦 if u don\'t, he says that u don\'t trust him. 如果不,他说你不信任他 if u scold him, u are like a nanny to him;
如果你骂他,你好象他奶妈 if he scolds u, it is because he cares for u. 如果他骂你,是表示他\"关心\"你 if u break your promise, u cannot be trusted; 如果你不守承诺,你就是没有信用 if he breaks his,he is forced to do so. 如果他不守承诺,他是迫不得已的 if u smoke, u are bad girl; 如果你吸烟,你是坏女孩 if he smokes, he is gentleman. 如果他吸烟,他是绅士 if u do well in your exams, he says it\'s luck; 如果你考试成绩好,他说是运气 if he does well, it\'s brains. 如果他考得好,他说是实力! if u hurt him, u are cruel; 如果你伤害了他,表示你很残忍 if he hurts u, u are too sensitive!! 如果他伤害了你,表示你太敏感而且太难取悦! so hard to please!!!!! if u send this to guys, they will swear that it\'s not true....... 如果你寄这封信给男生,他们会发誓以上是不正确的. . but if u don\'t they say u are selfish..... 如果你不寄给他们,他们说你自私. . 恋爱中的男人说…… The nice women are ugly. 好女人不漂亮. The beautiful women are not nice. 漂亮女人不好. The beautiful and nice women are general stupid. 又漂亮又好的女人一般都很愚蠢. The beautiful, nice and clever women are married. 又漂亮又好又不愚蠢的女人都结婚了. The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women are born in poverty. 不是很漂亮但是很好的女人都出身贫寒. The women who are not so beautiful but are nice women born in noble think we are only after their lordliness. 不是很漂亮但是很好又出身高贵的女人会认为我们看上的是他们的权势.
The beautiful women without lordliness are after our lordliness. 而没有权势但是很漂亮的女人看上的是我们的权势. The clever women, who are not so nice and somewhat beautiful don't think we are clever enough. 不是很好但是很漂亮又很聪明的女人却嫌我们不够聪明. The women who think we are clever, that are nice, somewhat clever and have lordliness have a lot of pursuers. 又好又聪



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