『英语杂谈』 [创作园地]好累人的英语笑话~hot!

??Are you going to treat me?
    An American actress came to China for the first time. One day when she was looking for her new Chinese friend after a performance, she came across an anxious Chinese who had always wanted to practice his English with native speakers, but had never found the chance. When he saw the actress, he went up and exchanged greetings, then started his practice.
     “How old are you?”
     “I’m sorry. Please don’t ask a lady about her age,” the actress said uneasily.
     “How much do you earn each month?” the Chinese tried hard to recall this sentence from his textbook.
     “Sorry again. We don’t feel like telling others about that either, “ she again refused to answer.
     “Have you had lunch?” the Chinese tried again to show his traditional way of greeting.
     “No, are you planning to treat me to a meal?’ she asked in surprise.
     “你吃过饭了吗?” 中国人再次用本民族的传方式询问对方。
    Give up your seat to a lady
    Little Johnny says "Mom, when I was on the bus with Daddy this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady."
      "You've done the right thing," says Mommy.
      "But Mommy, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
  1. I Have His Ear in My Pocket
    Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?"
    "A kid bit me," replied Ivan.
    "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother.
    "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket."
  2. A Good Boy
    Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?"
    "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered.
    "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?"
    "She is the one who sells the candy."
    “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?”
  3. Drunk
    One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he
    asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two
    policemen as four then I am drunk."
    "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!"
    一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲
    回答说,“你瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!”
  4. Hospitality
    The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment
    and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have
    better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy.
    客人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生。”那小男孩说。
  5. Adidas
    上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了.
  6. 上帝曾经答应我
    Once god came up to me & granted me a wish. I asked for world peace. That's impossible, he said.
    Then I asked him to give you brains. He said, "Let me try world peace".
  7.Tom: William has asked me for a loan of five pounds. Should I be doing right in lending it to him?
    Jack: Certainly.
    Tom: And why?
    Jack: Because otherwise he would try to borrow it from me.
  8..I was accompanying my husband on a business trip. He carried his portable computer with him, and the guard at the airport
    gate asked him to open the case. It was locked, and the man waited patiently as my embarrassed spouse struggled to remember the combination . At last he succeeded. 'Why are you so nervous?' I asked him. 'The numbers are the date of our anniversary.' my usband confessed.
  9.Mother: Why are you jumping up and down?
    Tom: I've just taken some medicine and I forgot to shake the bottle.
  10.One evening I drove my husband's car to the shopping mall.
    On my return, I noticed that how dusty the outside of his car was and cleaned it up a bit.When I finally entered the house, I called out.'The woman who loves
    you the most in the world just cleaned your headlights and windshield.'
    My husband looked up and said, 'Mom's here?'
  11.Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.
    'I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday.'
    'Don't worry, dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later.' He said with a smile.
  12. Nest and Hair
    My sister, a primary school teacher, was informed by one of her pupils that a bird had built its nest in the tree outside the classroom.
    "What kind of bird?" my sister asked.
    "I didn't see the bird, ma' am, only the nest," replied the child.
    "Then, can you give us a description of the nest?" my sister encouraged her .
    "Well, ma'am, it just resembles your hair. "
  1) inform v.告诉
  2) nest n.窝;巢
  3) description n.描述
  4) encourage v.鼓励
  5) resemble v. 相似;类似
    我姐姐是一位小学老师。一次一个学生告诉她说一只鸟儿在教室外 的树上垒了个窝。
  13. I've Just Bitten My Tongue
    "Are we poisonous?" the young snake asked his mother.
    "Yes, dear," she replied - "Why do you ask?"
    "Cause I've just bitten my tongue! "
  1) poisonous adj.有毒的
  2) Cause I've just bitten my tongue 因为我刚咬了自己的舌头。 句中 Cause 是 Because 的缩略形式。



   On a hot summer day an elderly gentleman faints in the street. A small crowd immediately gathers around him. "Give the poor man a glass of brandy," advises a woman. "Give him a heart massage, " says someone else. "No, just g ...


   Little Robert asked his mother for tow cents."What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman,"he answered. "You'er a good boy,"said the mother proudly."Here are tow cents more ...


   Who Is the Laziest? Father: Well, Tom, I asked to your teacher today, and now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class? Tom: I don't know, father. Father: Oh, yes, you do! Think! When other boys and girls are doing and ...


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   1. Being rather bald, I have long been used to comforting myself on a visit to the hairdresser with the opening remark,"Grass doesn't grow on a busy street," However, I was not prepared for the response of one barber:" We always say ...


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   Dick was seven years old, and his sister, Catherine, was five. One day their mother took them to their aunt's house to play while she went to the big city to buy some new clothes. The children played for an hour, and then at half past four their au ...


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   The Thirsty Pigeon 口渴的鸽子 A PIGEON, oppressed by excessive thirst, saw a goblet of water painted on a signboard. Not supposing it to be only a picture, she flew towards it with a loud whir and unwittingly dashed against the signboard, jarring hersel ...


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