英语超级爆笑语录 My advantage is that I am handsome, but my disadvantage is that the handsomeness is not so obvious. 我的优点是:我很帅;而我的缺点是:我帅得不明显。 When I went shopping one day, a group of girls stopped me, saying that I was handsome. But I denied it, and then they hit me and said I am hypocritical. 有一次我上街,一群女孩把我拦住,她们说我帅。我不承认,她们就打我,还说我 虚伪。 I am an angel, and the reason why I can not go back to heaven is the problem of my weight. 我是天使,回不去天堂是因为体重的原因。 Although you wear some cologne 古龙香水, I can still vaguely smell a scummy 卑贱的 whiff 一阵气味 out of you. 虽 你 喷 古龙 , 还 隐约闻 股 儿。
It does not hurt feelings, when it comes to money, but it indeed damn 该死的 cost money when it comes to feelings. 谈钱不伤感情,但是谈感情最伤钱。
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The accountant said : "Could you please come for your earnings later, because I have no change here?" 会计说:“你能晚点来领工资么,我这儿没零钱。” I curse your buying instant noodles without getting flavoring bags. 我诅咒你一辈子买方便面没有调料包。 The most mysterious department in the history is the department concerned. 史上最神秘的部门就是??有关部门。 There are two things that I could not do in my life--I could not do this and I could not do that. 我这辈子只有两件事不会去做??这也不做,那也不做。 The others have their background, while what I have is the sight of my back. 人家有的是背景,而我有的是背影。 Never treat a dried shrimp 小虾 not as seafood. 别把虾米不当海鲜。 Since there are so many deceivers, it is very obvious that idiots are not enough.
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骗子太多,傻子的数量明显跟不上了。 We never be afraid that thieves carry their tools, but afraid they know some kind of technology. 不怕偷儿带工具,就怕偷儿懂科技。
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A Fine Match 势均力敌 One day a lady saw a mouse running across her kitchen floor. She was very afraid of mouse, so she ran out of the house, got into a bus and went to the shops. There she bought a mousetrap 捕 鼠 器 . The shopkeeper said to her, "Put some cheese in it and you will soon catch that mouse." The lady went home with her mousetrap, but when she looked in her cupboard 碗柜,食厨, she could not find any cheese in it. She did not want to go back to the shop, because it was very late, so she cut a picture of some cheese out of a magazine and put that in the trap. Surprisingly, the picture of the cheese was quite successful! When the lady came down to the kitchen the next morning she found a picture of a mouse in the trap beside the picture of the cheese! 势均力敌 有一天某位女士看到一只老鼠在自家的厨房地板上窜过。她很害怕老鼠,所以她冲 出屋子,搭上了公共汽车直奔商店。在那儿,她买了一只老鼠夹。店主告诉她:“放 点奶酪在里面,很快你就会逮住那只老鼠的。” 这位女士带着鼠夹回到家里, 但她没有在碗橱里找到奶酪。 她不想再回到商店里去, 因为已经很晚了。于是,她就从一份杂志中剪下一幅奶酪的图片放进了夹子。 令人称奇的是, 这画有奶酪的图片竟然奏效了!第二天早上, 这位女士下楼到厨房时, 发现鼠夹里奶酪图片旁有一张画有老鼠的图片!
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看口袋 Look in the pocket A man walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down, looks in his pocket then orders another one. He gulps that one down, looks in his pocket again, then orders another one. He does this about 7 or 8 more times when the bartender 酒保 finally asks, "Every time you finish a drink you look in your pocket. What’s in your pocket?" The man replies, "Oh... I have a picture of my wife in there. I drink until she looks good, then I go home."

  1.A society youth writes ironically to the young lady in the case:“Dear Miss Smith, perhaps you remember I proposed to you last night, and I do not now recall whether you said yes,or no.” “Dear George, I remember I said‘no’ to someone last night, but I had forgotten who it was.” 我忘了那人是谁 一个社交界的青年给一位年轻女士挖苦地写道:“亲爱的史密斯小姐,您也许记得 我昨晚向您求婚,但我现在记不起您到底是答应了还是没答应。”
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“亲爱的乔治,我记得昨晚是对一个人说了‘不’,但忘了那人是谁。”
  2.Uncle Silas had lighted his pipe for a comfortable smoke,when Aunt Rebecca looked up from her knitting and said:“Silas,do you know that Sunday next will be the thirtieth anniversary of our wedding?” “I swan,是吗”said Silas,“is that so,and what about it?” “Oh,nothing,”said Aunt Rebecca,“only thought may be we ought to kill them two Rhode Island Red chickens.” “But,Rebecca,”said Uncle Silas,“how can you blame them two Rhode Island Red chickens for what happened thirty years ago?” 赛拉斯大叔点燃了烟斗想好好吸一口,丽贝卡大妈织着毛衣抬眼说:“赛拉斯,你 知不知道下星期日是我们结婚三十周年?” “老天哪,”赛拉斯说,“是吗?那又怎么样?” “噢, 没什么, ”丽贝卡大妈应道, “我只是想, 也许我们该把那两只罗得岛红鸡宰了。 ” “可是,丽贝卡,”赛拉斯大叔说,“你怎么能够把三十年前发生的事怪到那两只罗得 岛红鸡的头上呢?”
  3.A man who had been married for ten years was consulting 咨询,请教 a marriage counselor 顾问. “When I was first married,I was very happy. I'd come home from a hard day down at the shop,and my little dog would race around barking,and
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my wife would bring me my slippers.Now everything's changed.When I come home,my dog brings me my slippers,and my wife barks at me.” “I don't know what you're complaining about, ”said the counselor.“You're still getting the same service.” 汪汪叫的妻子 一个结婚十年的男人正在请教一位婚姻顾问。 “刚结婚那会儿,我非常幸福。我在店里劳累一天回到家,我的小狗会绕着我跑, 汪汪叫,而我的妻子给我拿来拖鞋。现在一切都变了。我回到家里,我的狗给我拿 来拖鞋,我的妻子对着我汪汪叫。” “我不知道你在抱怨什么,”婚姻顾问说。“你得到的服务还是一样的呀。”
写字条 The note A man was trying to pull out of a parking place but bashed the bumper of the parked car in front of him. Witnessed by a handful of pedestrians waiting for a bus, the driver got out, inspected the damage, and proceeded to write a note to leave on the windshield of the car he had hit. The note read: "Hello. I have just hit your car, and there are some people here watching me who think that I am writing this note to leave you my name, phone number, and driver's license number, but I am
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not."
英语趣味小故事 Sharing the Apples Harry was given two apples, a small one and a large one, by his Mum. Share them with your sister, she said. So Harry gave the small one to his little sister and started touching into the large one. Cor! said his sister, If Mum had given them to me I’d have given you the large one and had the small one myself. Well, said Harry, that’s what you’ve got, so what are you worrying about? 分苹果 妈妈给了哈里两个苹果,一个大一点,另一个小点儿。跟妹妹分着吃。妈妈说。 所以,哈里就把小个的给了妹妹,自己开始啃那个大个的。 哼,妹妹说,如果妈妈给了我,我会把大的给你,把小的留给自己的。 对呀,哈里说,你拿到的不就是小的吗?还着什么急呀? One day a young man was standing in the middle of the town proclaiming that he had the most beautiful heart in the whole valley. A
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large crowd gathered, and they all admired his heart for it was perfect. There was not a flaw in it. 一天,一位年轻人站在城镇的中央,宣布他的心是整个山谷中最美丽的心。围观的 人很多,他们都称赞年轻人的心的确是完美无缺,并没有一点伤痕瑕疵。 Suddenly, an old man appeared and said, "Why, your heart is not nearly as beautiful as mine." 突然,一位老人出现在人群中,说:“你的心不如我的美丽。” The crowd and the young man looked at the old man's heart. It was full of scars, it had places where pieces had been removed and other pieces put in, but they didn't fit quite right, and there were several jagged edges. In fact, in some places there were deep gouges where whole pieces were missing. 围观者和年轻人都朝老人的心看去: 它布满了伤疤, 有的地方被挖去又重新填补上, 但修补得不甚完整,留下一些参差不齐的疤痕。实际上,有的地方缺失了整块,甚 至露出很深的豁口。 The young man laughed. "Comparing your heart with mine, mine is perfect and yours is a mess of scars." 年轻人笑了起来:“我们两人的心相比,我的是那么完美,而你的却是一堆伤疤。” "Yes," said the old man, "Yours looks perfect but I would never trade with you. You see, every scar represents a person to whom I have given
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my love. I tear out a piece of my heart and give it to them, and often they give me a piece of their heart that fits into the empty place in my heart. But because the pieces aren't exact, I have some rough edges, which I cherish, because they remind me of the love we shared. “是的,”老人说,“你的心从表面来看很完美,但我绝不会跟你交换。你看,每个伤 疤都代表我为别人献出的一份爱??我掏出一块心给他们,他们常常会掏出自己的 一块回赠给我,以填补我的空缺。但由于这两块不完全一样,伤口的边缘就留下了 疤痕,不过我十分珍惜这些疤痕,因为它们使我想起我们共同拥有的爱心。” "Sometimes I have given pieces of my heart away, and the other person hasn't returned a piece of his or her heart to me. These are the empty gouges -- giving love is taking a chance. Although these gouges are painful, they stay open, reminding me of the love I have for those people too, and I hope someday they may return and fill the space I have waiting. So now do you see what true beauty is?" “有时我送出了一瓣心,其他人并没有回赠给我,因此就出现了这些豁口??献出 爱也是需要冒风险的。尽管这些豁口很疼,我还是让它们敞开着,因为它们能使我 想起我付出的爱。我希望有一天,得到爱的人们能够回来填补上我心里的空间。你 现在明白什么是真正的美丽了吧?” The young man walked up to the old man, reached into his perfect heart, and ripped a piece out. He offered it to the old man. 年轻人默默走近老人,把手伸进自己完美的心中,撕下一块来,把它献给这位老人。
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The old man placed it in his heart, then took a piece from his old scarred heart and placed it in the wound in the young man's heart. It fit, but not perfectly, as there were some jagged edges. 老人接过馈赠,把它放进自己的心里。然后他从自己疤痕累累的心里掏出一块,放 在年轻人心里的那个伤口上。正好放进去,但不是特别吻合,也出现了一些疤痕。 The young man looked at his heart, not perfect anymore but more beautiful than ever, since love from the old man's heart flowed into his. 年轻人看着自己的心,看起来不再完美但比以前更美丽了,因为老人心中的爱也流 淌到了他的心里。 They embraced and walked away side by side. 他们拥抱着,肩并肩离开了。 更多资讯点击进入精品学习网 外语频道 英语故事短文:月亮和井 One cold night the king called Nasreddin to him and said, “If you’re able to spend this night in the courtyard with only your shirt on, I will give you one hundred gold coins!” In the courtyard Nasreddin saw a stone mill. He began to push it around, faster and faster. When dawn came, he was sweating all over himself.
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The king got up and was surprised to see Nasreddin in high sprits. The king hated to lose one hundred gold coins, so he asked, “Was there a moon last night?” “Yes.” “Then our bargain is off,” said the king. “If there was a moon, it was warm. In that case even I could have spent the night outside!” A few months later, the king and his men went hunting. It was hot summer and at the edge of the desert it was like a furnace. The king and his men were dying of thirst. They turned toward Nasreddin’s house in the hope of getting some water. Nasreddin was sitting in the edge of his well when he heard the voice of the king, “Nasreddin, bring some fresh water! Be quick and serve us!” “Please make yourself at home,” said Nasreddin. “Where is the water?” cried the king. “Right here, Your Majesty, you see?” Nasreddin pointed to the well. “You only show me the water but don’t give me a drink!” fumed the king. “Your Majesty, if the rays of the moon can warm a person, the sight of water can satisfy his thirst.”
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国王把纳斯雷丁叫到他的身边说:“要是你能
 

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