英语经典笑话一(English Jokes for ESL/EFL Classroom) 英语经典笑话一
| 文章作者:佚名 | 文章来源:网络 | 文章录入:henry982 | 更新时间:2006-8-10 | 字体:小 大 |
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this
type of grammer.) The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...' I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even
know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother. Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl. PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework." A teacher asked a student to write
  55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and
they will answer: Phone rings: "Green, green!" They answer: "Yellow?" They ask: "White?" They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water? Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replys, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.." Bank Teller: How do you like the money? English Student: I like it very much. "Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower." Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it." "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me." "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left." Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!" Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ... Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday. A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running? Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself. Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud. A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :) I used to be a werewoolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! "Spell SPOT three times." "S P O T , S P O T , S P O T" "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?" There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!" In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
 

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