英语经典笑话一(English Jokes for ESL/EFL Classroom) 英语经典笑话一
| 文章作者:佚名 | 文章来源:网络 | 文章录入:henry982 | 更新时间:2006-8-10 | 字体:小 大 |
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this
type of grammer.) The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...' I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even
know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother. Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl. PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework." A teacher asked a student to write
  55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and
they will answer: Phone rings: "Green, green!" They answer: "Yellow?" They ask: "White?" They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water? Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replys, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.." Bank Teller: How do you like the money? English Student: I like it very much. "Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower." Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it." "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me." "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left." Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!" Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ... Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday. A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running? Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself. Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud. A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :) I used to be a werewoolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! "Spell SPOT three times." "S P O T , S P O T , S P O T" "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?" There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!" In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
 

相关内容

英语学习_李阳疯狂英语经典句式(精华版)_必备

   问学堂右脑王英语学习机 http:F8507.asktang.com/ 购机使用优惠代码 F8507 享受价格和赠品双重优惠! 优惠代码: 享受价格 赠品双重优惠 价格和 双重优惠! 购机使用优惠代码: 弃我去者, 弃我去者,昨日之日不可留 乱我心者, 乱我心者,今日之日多烦忧 李阳疯狂英语经典句式(精华版) 李阳疯狂英语经典句式(精华版) 1. Absolutely. (用于答话)是这样;当然是;正是如此;绝对如此。 2. Absolutely impossible! 绝对不可能的! 3. ...

英语经典

   英语励志经典语句 While there is life there is hope. 一息若存,希望不灭。 I am a slow walker,but I never walk backwards. ( America) 我走得很慢,但是我从来不会后退。(亚伯拉罕.林肯美国) Never underestimate your power to change yourself! 永远不要低估你改变自我的能力! Nothing is impossible! 没有什么不可能! Nothing ...

英语经典

   给大家一些英语的经典名句,让你们在茶余饭后欣赏一下。如果你觉 给大家一些英语的经典名句,让你们在茶余饭后欣赏一下。如果你觉 英语 又或者有你特别中意的句 得那些的观点就好像道出了你人生的真谛, 子,同学们可以把它背诵下来,对英语学习很有好处。 子,同学们可以把它背诵下来,对英语学习很有好处。 学习 Life is a leaf of paper white, thereon each of us may write his word or two. )生活是一张白纸, (A. Lowell ...

英语经典语句

   B 板子,棒子 Being refused by my girlfriend really embarrassed me. 申请护照 apply for a passport 把理论应用于实践 apply methods to practice 探索自然是世界的奥秘 Explore the mysteries of nature 沟通无极限 communication knows no bounds. 锻炼身体对我们的健康有益 exercise benefits our health. 读书 ...

英语经典句子

   经典句子 Money is not everything. There's Mastercard & Visa. 钞票不是万能的,有时还需要信用卡. One should love animals. They are so tasty. 每个人都应该热爱动物,因为它们很好吃. Love the neighbor. But don't get caught. 要用心去爱你的邻居,不过不要让她的老公知道. Behind every successful man, there is a w ...

经典英语小笑话

   经典英语小笑话 当秋意渐浓,才发觉冬日的温馨已飘然而至。冬天来了,这一刻什么都可能忘记,唯独忘不了向你送上温暖的关怀:寒冷的日子里,寒冷的日子里好好心疼自己,快乐过冬! the lowest grade "Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero." "Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade ...

常用英语口语经典

   100 句口语最基础最高频的话 doing?(你好吗 ma?) 1. How are you doing?(你好吗?ni hao ma?) great.(我过得很好。 2. I''m doing great.(我过得很好。Wo guo de hen hao ) up?(出什么事了/你在忙些什么/怎么了? shen 3. What''s up?(出什么事了/你在忙些什么/怎么了?chu shen me shi le / ni zai mang xie shen me le ze me le ) ...

高中英语经典语句

   1 .GOOD FRIENDS Most of our friend are human beings, but we also make friends with animals and even things. For example, many of us have pets, and we all have favorite objects such as a lucky pen or diary. Friendship helps us understand who we are, ...

高考英语经典范文

   Environmental problems are becoming more and more serious all over the world. For example, cars have made the air unhealthy for people to breathe and poisonous gas is given off by factories. Trees on the hills have been cut down and waste water is ...

英语经典一句话笑话

   1,I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2,I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 3,Do not argue with ...

热门内容

关于春节的英语习语和文化

   新年中的禁忌( 新年中的禁忌(Taboos of Chinese New Year) 1. The entire house should be cleaned before New Year's Day. On New Year's Eve , all brooms , brushes, dusters, dustpans(簸箕) other cleaning and equipment are put away. Sweeping or dusting should not be don ...

英语作文常用短语

   a series of 一系列,一连串 above all 首先,尤其是 after all 毕竟,究竟 ahead of 在...之前 ahead of time 提前 all at once 突然,同时 all but 几乎;除了...都 all of a sudden 突然 all over 遍及 all over again 再一次,重新 all the time 一直,始终 all the same 仍然,照样的 as regards 关于,至于 anything but 根本不 ...

09届高三英语阶段重难点短语复习2

   2009 广东英语?高考一轮复习 中学阶段重难点短语复习(二) 一. 教学内容: 中学阶段重难点短语复习(二) 二. 重难点短语与例句: 1. benefit(from)受益,得到好处。 I have benefited a lot from extensive reading. 广泛的阅读使我受益匪浅。 This project is of great benefit to everyone. 这项工程对每个人都大有好处。 2. by birth 在出生上,论出身,按血统 at birth ...

高考英语语法讲解之名词性从句

   外语下载中心 http://down.tingroom.com 高考二轮复习英语学 英语学案 2010 高考二轮复习英语学案 专题九 名词性从句 【典例精析】 典例精析】 1.(2007 山东,22 )Could I speak to is in charge of International Sales ,please ? A. anyone B. someone C. whoever D. no matter who 【解析】C.“is in charge of Internationa ...

pep小学英语六年级册上教学计划

   pep 小学英语六年级册上教学计划 小学英语六年级册上 一、基本情况 本学期的主要内容为 PEP 小学英语六年级下册,共有 4 个教学单元、2个复习单元。 每单元分“A、B、C”三个部分,共12页,复习单元为6页。全书配有彩色卡通式插图, 设计新颖活泼,生动有趣。教材的设计与编写体现了对传统外语教学思想的继承和发展,教 材的编写思路是以话题为纲, 以交际功能和语言结构为主线, 逐步引导学生运用英语完成有 实际意义的语言任务,即:话题-功能-结构-任务。根据学生的实际情况,教师可以有选 择地、 ...