英语经典笑话一(English Jokes for ESL/EFL Classroom) 英语经典笑话一
| 文章作者:佚名 | 文章来源:网络 | 文章录入:henry982 | 更新时间:2006-8-10 | 字体:小 大 |
The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he ever come home late? A: No, he doesn't. B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he? A: He will be six months old next Wednesday. Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things. Boy: What are the two things? Girl: Your feet. A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language." My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith. So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?" (Try this one with your students the next time you are teaching a lesson that includes this
type of grammer.) The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick' The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?' The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...' I use this joke for retelling in reported speech. A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts." The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!" Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea. Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink. Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say. Doctor: Next please! Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even
know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?" A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl? B: It's a girl. She's my daughter. A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father. B: I'm not. I'm her mother. Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?" Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing? Johnny: Nothing, sir. Headmaster: Exactly. Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"
A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi. A: Why are you crying? B: The elephant is dead. A: Was he your pet? B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave. A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"
"Wrong number," replied the girl. PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?" TEACHER:" Of course not." PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework." A teacher asked a student to write
  55. Student asked: How? Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5! The student wrote 5 and stopped. teacher: What are you waiting for? student: I don't know which side to write the other 5! When I want to teach the coulors, I just ask my students to pretend the phone is ringing and
they will answer: Phone rings: "Green, green!" They answer: "Yellow?" They ask: "White?" They hang up: "Pink!"
While teaching this use your hands pretending you are holding the phone. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom? Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom? Little Johnny: But I asked first! Two goldfish in a bowl talking: Goldfish 1: Do you believe in God? Goldfish 2: Of course, I do! Who do you think changes the water? Son: Dad, what is an idiot? Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me? Son: No. Man: I could go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there? Man: I offer you myself. Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.
Man: I want to share everything with you. Woman: Let's start from your bank account. Teacher: Why are you late? Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill. Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it? Student: No. I was standing on it. Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it. Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot. The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you." The man replys, "By the week or by the month?" The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.." Bank Teller: How do you like the money? English Student: I like it very much. "Why do you take baths in milk?" "I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower." Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee Waitress : Is it enough Sir? Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?
"You look very funny wearing that belt." "I would look even funnier if I didn't wear it." "I was born in California." "Which part?" "All of me." "Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?" "No, I'm sorry I don't." "Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left." Teacher: Do you have trouble making decisions? Student: Well...yes and no.
Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!" Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"
The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present. The student: I walk. You walk .... The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please. The student: I run. You run ... Father: What did you do today to help your mother? Son: I dried the dishes Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces. A: Look at your face I know what you have for breakfast B: What was it? A: Eggs. B: No, that was yesterday. A: Why are all those people running? B: They are running a race to get a cup. A: Who will get the cup? B: The person who wins. A: Then why are all the others running? Patient: Doctor, I think that I've bitten by a vampire. Doctor: Drink this glass of water. Patient: Will it make me better? Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.
Said to a railroad engineer: What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late. The reply from the railroad engineer: How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule? A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this? B: It's because your feet aren't empty. Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework? Student: No, he did it all by himself. Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies? Student: I don't know. Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from? Student: We borrow it from our neighbor. On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed. "What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.
"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing." If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?
A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke? B: Ok A: A white horse fell in the mud. A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :) I used to be a werewoolf... But I'm much better noooooooooooow ! "Spell SPOT three times." "S P O T , S P O T , S P O T" "What do you do when you come to a green light?" (answer is invariably-) "Stop!" "What, at a GREEN light?" There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!" In a restaurant:
Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!! Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.
 

相关内容

英语经典笑话一

   英语经典笑话一(English Jokes for ESL/EFL Classroom) 英语经典笑话一 | 文章作者:佚名 | 文章来源:网络 | 文章录入:henry982 | 更新时间:2006-8-10 | 字体:小 大 | The Perfect Son. A: I have the perfect son. B: Does he smoke? A: No, he doesn't. B: Does he drink whiskey? A: No, he doesn't. B: Do ...

英语经典

   英语励志经典语句 While there is life there is hope. 一息若存,希望不灭。 I am a slow walker,but I never walk backwards. ( America) 我走得很慢,但是我从来不会后退。(亚伯拉罕.林肯美国) Never underestimate your power to change yourself! 永远不要低估你改变自我的能力! Nothing is impossible! 没有什么不可能! Nothing ...

英语经典句子

   英语经典句子 1.A straight foot is not afraid ofooded shoe.身正不怕影子斜 2.A word 身正不怕影子斜 spoken is past recalling 一言既出,驷马难追 3Beteen friends all is 一言既出, common 朋友之间不分彼此 4Confidence is yourself is the first step on the road to success.自信是走向成功的第一步.5Content dripp ...

英语经典句子

   很经典的英语短语 1.经济的快速发展 the rapid development of economy 2.人民生活水平的显著 提高/ 稳步增长 the remarkable improvement/ steady growth of people’s living standard3.先进的科学技术 advanced science and technology4.面临新的 机遇和挑战 be faced with new opportunities and challenges5.人们普遍 ...

英语经典句子

   1.一个人总要走陌生的路,看陌生的风景,听陌生的歌,然后在某个不经意的瞬间,你会发 现,原本是费尽心机想要忘记的事情真的就那么忘记了。 One is always on a strange road, watching strange scenery and listeningto strange music. Then one day, you will find that the things you tryhard to forget are already gone. 2.幸福,不是 ...

经典英语小笑话

   经典英语小笑话 当秋意渐浓,才发觉冬日的温馨已飘然而至。冬天来了,这一刻什么都可能忘记,唯独忘不了向你送上温暖的关怀:寒冷的日子里,寒冷的日子里好好心疼自己,快乐过冬! the lowest grade "Professor, I did the best I could on this test. I really don't think I deserve a zero." "Neither do I. But that's the lowest grade ...

高考英语经典范文

   Environmental problems are becoming more and more serious all over the world. For example, cars have made the air unhealthy for people to breathe and poisonous gas is given off by factories. Trees on the hills have been cut down and waste water is ...

英语经典一句话笑话

   1,I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness. 2,I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car. 3,Do not argue with ...

中考英语 经典背诵范文

   中考最后的冲刺 中考英语书面表达背诵范文( 中考英语书面表达背诵范文(二) 一、Great changes in my hometown More than twenty years ago, my hometown was just a small , old and poor town. Most of people were farmers. There were few factories. The people didn’t have enough food to eat and ...

英语幽默笑话:一封情书

   英语幽默笑话: 英语幽默笑话:一封情书 喜欢上王小姐后,决定要给她写一封情书,这封情书一定要不落俗套.苦思之下,触发了灵 感,现在卖饼干说是卖克力架,做网站的想办法上纳斯达克,那我也走国际路线,写封英文 情书,扯着虎皮拉大旗,显示一下自己的才华吧. Dear wang litte girl: 亲爱的王小姐: ( 翻译 这句,我可费了不少心思,中文直接用"亲爱的"未免显得肉中有肉,麻中 有麻,还是老外开放,一般朋友也可以用 dear,这样自己的贼心可以得到满足而又不唐突. ...

热门内容

航海英语3080 题库

   -第一部分 2580 题 第一部分 [1], as the chemical extinguisher agent, should be used for an electric fire. A. dry chemical or foam C. carbon dioxide or foam B. foam or soda acid D. carbon dioxide or dry chemical [2]: A room on or near the bridge provided with ...

英语句子

   [转] 这些英文千万不要不懂装懂 Sporting house 妓院(不是体育室) Dead president 美钞(不是死了的总统) Lover 情人(不是爱人) Busboy 餐馆勤杂工(不是公汽售票员) Busybody 爱管闲事的人(不是大忙人) Dry goods <美>纺织品 <英>谷物(不是干货) Heart man 换心人(不是有心人) Mad doctor精神病科医生(不是发疯的医生) Eleventh hour最后时刻(不是十一点) Blind d ...

2010.6英语4级作文

   2010年6月英语四级答案完整版(A卷) 2010年06月19日14:10沪江英语我要评论(81) 字号:T|T 作文范文: Due Attention Should Be Given To Spelling Correct spelling is a basic skill in English study. However, nowadays many students do not pay much attention to it. They have their own reasons ...

2010年北京市英语中考试题及答案

   2010 年北京市高级中等学校招生考试 英 语 试 卷 学校 姓名 考 生 须 知 1、本试卷共 12 页,满分 120 分,考试时间 120 分钟。 2、 在试卷和答题卡上准确填写学校名称、姓名和准考证号。 3、 试题答案一律填涂或书写在答题卡上,在试卷上作答无效 4、 在答题卡上,选择题用 2B 铅笔作答,其他试题用黑色字迹签字笔作答。 听力理解(共 24 分) 一、听对话,从下面各题所给的 A、B、C 三幅图片中选出与对话内容相符的图片。每段 对话读两遍。(共 4 分,每小题 1 分) ...

服装各种洗水英语说法

   各种洗水英语说法 LA BLUE 拉蓝洗 New Galaxy 新银河洗 PAPER BLUE 低蓝洗 DARK 深色洗 DULL 钝色洗 VINTAGE B 仿旧洗 B VINTAGE 仿旧洗 RINSE 退浆保色洗 MEDIUM 中度洗 OVERDYED 套色洗 LIGHT 浅色洗 BLUE MOON 兰月洗 TITANIUM 钛色洗 DUSK 尘土洗 ENZYME WASH 酵素洗 COPPER 古铜洗 COUNTRY BLUE 乡村兰 ARCTIC BLUR 大西洋兰 BLUEICE ...