If Life Were Like A Computer 假如生活是一台电脑 You could add/remove someone in your life using the control panel. You could put your kids in the recycle bin and restore them when you feel like it! You could improve your appearance by adjusting the display settings. You could turn off the speakers when life gets too noisy. You could click on "find" (Ctrl, F) to recover your lost remote control and car keys. To get your daily exercise, just click on "run"! If you mess up your life, you could always press "Ctrl, Alt, Delete" and start all over! 你可以通过控制面板增加或者删除一些人;可以把孩子放进回收站, 然后在你喜欢的时候再还原. 可以通过调整显示器的设置让外表更好 看;可以在吵闹的时候关掉音箱;可以点击"搜索"找到丢失了的遥控 器和车钥匙;锻炼身体的时候,点击"运行".要是你的生活一团糟, 同时按下"ctrl, alt, delete"键,一切重新开始.
Fat free 油是免费的
I stopped at a fast food restaurant recently. I was fascinated by a sign which offered Fat Free French Fries. I decided to give them a try. I was dismayed when the clerk pulled a basket of fries from the fryer which were dripping with fat. He filled a bag with these fries and put them in my order. "Just a minute!" I said. 'Those aren't fat free." "Yes, they are. We only charge for the potatoes.... The fat is free!" 有一次我走进一家快餐店,被一个标志牌吸引了,上面写着"无油薯 条".我打算尝尝,但是看到服务员从锅里捞出的一篮薯条沾满了油, 真是吓了我一大跳. 他给我装了一袋, 账单上显示出价钱. "等会儿, " 我说,"这不是无油的?""是的,我们只对薯条收费,油是免费的!"
Einstein and God 爱因斯坦与上帝 Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute."
爱因斯坦登上西奈山与上帝近距离交谈.仰望着上帝,他问道:"神 啊,一百万年对于你来说相当于什么呢?"上帝回答:"一分钟."爱 因斯坦问:"一百万元对于你来说又相当于什么呢?"上帝回答:"一 分钱."爱因斯坦问:"能给我一分钱吗?"上帝说:"请等一分钟."
Photo of my wife 我老婆的照片 A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, and then orders the bartender to prepare another double martini. After he finishes that, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long - but you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill." The customer replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, I know it's time to go home." 一个生意人走进一家酒馆,在吧台坐下,点了一杯加冰的双料 martini.喝完,那生意人往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼,然后又让
服务员把杯子满上.喝完,生意人又往自己衬衣的口袋里瞥了一眼, 然后又让服务生帮他把杯子满上.这时酒馆的服务生说话了,"呃, 老兄,我整个晚上给你倒 martini 都没有问题,但你得告诉我,你为 什么在点下一杯酒前都要往自己衬衣的口袋里偷偷看那么一眼".生 意人回答,"我看的是我老婆的一张照片.如果照片上的人开始变得 好看起来,那就说明我喝得差不多了,该回家了."
Bad news and good news 好消息&坏消息 An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." 一名艺术家问画廊老板,最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣."这有 好消息和坏消息, "老板回答. "好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品,
他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值. 我告诉他你的画会升值,他 就把你的 15 幅画全都买走了." "真是太好了",艺术家是喜形于色,"那坏消息是什么?" 带着关心 的口吻,画廊老板回答,"买画的人是你的医生".
Five Hundred Times 五百遍 In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times." 在中西部一个大城市的交通法庭里,一位年轻女士被带到法官面前, 她由于开车闯红灯被开了罚单. 女士向法官解释, 她是一名学校老师, 请求法官马上处理她的案子,以便可以赶回去上课.法官眼中闪过一
丝狡黠,说道:"你是学校的老师,对吗?女士,我马上要实现我毕 生的愿望了.在那张桌子旁坐下,写'我开车闯了红灯'500 遍."
No Problem 没问题 A bald man took a seat in a beauty shop. "How can I help you?" asked the stylist. "I went for a hair transplant," the guy explained, "but I couldn't stand the pain. If you can make my hair look like yours without causing me any discomfort, I'll pay you $5,0
  00." "No problem," said the stylist, and he quickly shaved his head. 一个秃头的男人坐在理发店里.发型师问:"有什么可以帮你吗?" 那个人解释说:"我本来要去做头发移植,但实在太疼了.如果你能 够让我的头发看起来像你的一样,而且没有任何痛苦,我将付给你 5000 美元." "没问题,"发型师说,然后他很快帮自己剃了个光头.
I hung him up to dry 我把他吊起来让他晾干 Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry." Jim 和 Mary 都是精神病院里的病人.一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池 散步,Jim 突然跳入泳池的深水区,他沉到了底部.Mary 立刻跳下 去救他,她潜到水底,把 Jim 拉了上来. 当院长听闻了 Mary 的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把 她叫进了自己的办公室,"Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告
诉你.好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说明你的意识已经恢复 了,你可以出院了.坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用 自己的浴袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了." Mary 说:"他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干."
Your horse called 你的马打电话来了 A guy is reading his paper when his wife walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head with a frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She says, "I found a piece of paper in your pocket with 'Betty Sue' written on it." He says, "Jeez, honey, 'Betty Sue' was the name of the horse I bet on." She shrugs and walks away. Three days later he's reading his paper when she walks up behind him and smacks him on the back of the head again with the frying pan. He asks, "What was that for?" She answers, "Your horse called."
一个家伙正在看报纸,他的妻子走到他身后,用一只煎锅敲他的后脑 勺.他问道:"这是为什么?"她说:"我在你口袋里发现了一张写有 'Betty Sue'的纸条."他说:"哎呀,亲爱的,'Betty Sue'是我赌的 那匹马的名字."她耸了耸肩,走了. 三天后他正在看报纸,妻子走 到他身后,又用一只煎锅敲他的后脑勺.他问:"这又是为什么?" 她答道:"你的马打电话来了."
That's the difference 这就是区别所在 A teenager lost a contact lens while playing basketball in his driveway. After a fruitless search, he told his mother the lens was nowhere to be found. Undaunted, she went outside and in a few minutes, returned with the lens in her hand. "How did you manage to find it, Mom?" the teenager asked. "We weren't looking for the same thing," she replied. "You were looking for a small piece of plastic. I was looking for $1
  50." 孩子在车库打球时掉了一只隐形眼镜. 找了一会儿,他告诉母亲找不到了.母亲出去了,几分钟以后,拿着 隐形眼镜回来."妈妈,你是怎么找到的?"孩子问."我们找的不是
同一件东西,"母亲回答,"你找的是一小片塑料,而我是在找 150 块钱."
Pa won't like it 爸爸会不高兴的 It seems a farm boy accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. "Hey Willis!!" the farmer yelled, "Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up." "That's mighty nice of you, " Willis answered, "but I don't think Pa would like me to." "Aw, come on," the farmer insisted. "Well okay," the boy finally agreed, and added, "but Pa won't like it." After a hearty dinner, Willis thanked his host and said, "I feel a lot better now, but I know Pa is going to be real upset." "Don't be foolish," the neighbor said with a smile, "by the way, where is he?" "Under the wagon." 一个农家小孩好像意外打翻了一车玉米,住在附近的一个农夫听见 了,喊道:"威利斯,先放那吧.过来和我们呆会儿,一会儿我帮你 扶起来.""太好了",威利斯答道,"但是爸爸会不高兴的.""哎呀, 快来吧",农夫仍然在坚持."好吧",小男孩终于点头答应了,"但是 爸爸真的会不高兴."一顿丰盛的晚餐之后,威利斯向农夫表示感谢:
"我觉得好多了,但是爸爸肯定很不高兴.""别傻了",农夫笑着说, "哦,对了,你爸爸在哪了?""车底下."
E-mail 电子邮件 A man left for a vacation to Jamaica. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail message. Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly preacher's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead. At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen: "Dearest Wife, Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Your Loving Husband. P.S. Sure is hot down here."
有个人去牙买加度假,他的妻子正好出差,所以打算在他到之后的第 二天去找他.他到了宾馆,想要给妻子发封邮件,但是记着邮箱的纸 找不到了,于是他凭着记忆把信发到了一个邮箱.很不幸,他漏掉了 一个字母,因此他的信发到了一个老传教士的妻子的邮箱里,而传教 士恰好在前一天去世了.悲痛的老妇人察看邮箱,看着显示器屏幕她 尖叫一声,随后就倒在地上死去了.听到她的声音,家人赶忙跑进她 的房间,只见这样一句话显示在屏幕上:"亲爱的,快来吧.为了你 明天的到来,一切都准备好了.爱你的丈夫.顺便说一句,这里可真 够热的."
Einstein and God 爱因斯坦与上帝 Einstein climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asks the Lord..."God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A minute." "Einstein asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replies, "A penny." Einstein asks, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replies, "In a minute." 爱因斯坦登上西奈山与上帝近距离交谈.仰望着上帝,他问道:"神 啊,一百万年对于你来说相当于什么呢?"上帝回答:"一分钟."爱
因斯坦问:"一百万元对于你来说又相当于什么呢?"上帝回答:"一 分钱."爱因斯坦问:"能给我一分钱吗?"上帝说:"请等一分钟.
Problem with gas 放屁的问题 A little old lady goes to the doctor ... and says, "Doctor, I have this problem with gas, but it doesn't really bother me too much. They never smell and are always silent. As a matter of fact, I've farted at least 20 times since I've been here in your office. You didn't know I was farting because they don't smell and are silent." The doctor says, "I see. Here's a prescription. Take these
 

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