英语笑话 Always Thirsty 总感到口渴 Always Thirsty "I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me." "That's terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?" "No, but I am always thirsty!" 总感到口渴 一个男人对他的朋友说:“我动了一次手术,手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里 了。” 真是太糟糕了!”朋友说道:“你觉得疼吗?” 不疼,可是我总感到口渴。 A Present A Present Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, Honey, what? Kate: A nice teapot. Mom: But I've got a nice teapot. Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it. 凯特的礼物 凯特:妈妈,你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗? 妈妈:不知道,宝贝,是什么呀? 凯特:一把漂亮的茶壶。 妈妈:可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。 凯特:不,你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。 A Soldier's Brilliant Idea 士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招 A Soldier's Brilliant Idea Mr. Robinson had to travel somewhere on business, and as he was in a hurry, he decided to go by air. He liked sitting beside a window when he was flying, so when he got on to the plane, he looked for a window seat. He found all of them had already had been taken except for one. There was a soldier sitting in the seat beside this one, and Mr. Robinson was surprised that he had not taken the one by the window; but, anyhow, he at once went towards it. 凯特的礼物
When he reached it, however, he saw that there was a notice on it. It was written in ink and said, "This seat is preserved for proper load balance, thank you." Mr Robinson had never seen such an unusual notice in a plane before, but he thought that the plane must be carrying something particularly heavy in it, so he walked on and found another empty seat, not beside a window, to sit in. Two or three people tried to sit in the window seat beside the soldier, but they too read the notice and went on, when the plane was nearly full, a very beautiful girl hurried into the plane. The soldier, who was watching the passengers coming in, quickly took the notice off the seat beside himself and in this way succeededin having the company of the girl during the whole trip. 士兵坐飞机有美女陪伴的高招 由于生意方面的事,罗宾逊先生得出趟门。因为有点紧急,他决定坐飞机。乘机旅行 时,他喜欢靠窗坐,故而一登机,他就寻找一个靠窗的座位。他发现只有一个靠窗的座位 还空着。在那空座位边坐着一名士兵。令罗宾逊先生纳闷的是,这位士兵没有坐靠窗的位 置。罗宾逊先生不管那些,他马上径直朝那个空座位走去。 然而,等到了那儿,他看见座位上有则启事,是用钢笔写的:“为保持装载平衡,特 预设该位置,谢谢合作。”罗宾逊先生还从来没有在飞机上见过如此不同寻常的启事。不 过,他想飞机上一定装了什么特别重的物品,于是他找了个不靠窗的位置。 又有两三个乘客试图坐在那个士兵旁的靠窗座位上, 他们看到那则启事就走开了。 当 快满座时, 一位非常美丽的姑娘匆匆走进机舱。 一直在注意进舱旅客的那个士兵赶紧拿掉 他旁边空座位上的启事。士兵用这种办法,成功地找到了一位姑娘一路作伴。 Useful Way 一个有效的方法 A Useful Way Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What's that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple. 一个有效的方法 爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀? 杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。 爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢? 杰克:我忘了洗苹果呀。
Never Mind 坐到了后座上 Never Mind A drunk phoned police to report that thieves had been in his car. "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, even the brake pedal!" he cried out. However, before the police investigation could start, the phone rang a second time "Never mind," the drunk said with a hiccup, "I got in the back seat by mistake." 坐到了后座上 一个醉汉打电话给警察局,报告小偷光顾了他的车,“他们偷走了仪表盘、方向盘, 甚至连刹车脚板都偷走了。” 然而在警察还没有开始调查时, 电话又一次响了起来, “没事了”, 醉汉打着嗝说, “我 不小心坐到了后座上。” It's His Fault 是他的错 It's His Fault Billy and Bobby were brothers, and they often had fights with each other. Last Saturday their mother said to them, "I'm going to cook our lunch now. Go out and play in the garden - and be good." "Yes, Mummy." the two boys answered, and they went out. They played in the garden for half an hour, and then Billy ran into the kitchen, "Mummy, " he said, "Bobby's broken a window in Mrs. Allens' house." "He's a bad boy," his mother said. "How did he break it?" "I threw a stone at him," Billy answered,"and he quickly ducked.". 是他的错 比利和波比是两兄弟,两人经常打架。 上个星期六,他们的妈妈对他们说:“我现在要做午饭了。去,到花园去玩吧,别淘 气。” “是,妈妈。”两个男孩回答,然后他们就出去了。 他们在花园里玩了半个小时,然后比利跑进了厨房。“妈妈,”他说:“ 波比打碎了艾 伦太太家的窗玻璃。” “他是个坏孩子。”他妈妈说。“他是怎么把玻璃打碎的?” “我朝他扔了一块石子,”比利回答:“他蹲下了。” Expensive Advice 昂贵的建议 Expensive Advice The doctor finally reached his table at a dinner, after breaking away from
a woman who sought advice on a health problem. "Do you think I should send her a bill?" the doctor asked a lawyer who sat next to him. "Why not?" the lawyer replied. "You rendered professional services by giving advice." "Thanks," the physician said. "I think I'll do that." When the doctor went to his office the next day to send the bill to the woman, he found a letter from the lawyer. It read: "For legal services, $
  50." 昂贵的建议 大夫在打发走了一个就健康问题向他咨询的妇女之后,最后来到餐桌上。 你认为我应该向她收费吗?”大夫问坐在身边的一个律师。 有什么不应该?”律师答道,“你通过提建议提供了职业性服务。” 谢谢,”大夫说道,“看来我得这么做。” 第二天当大夫去办公室给那位妇女写账单时,他收到律师的一封信。信中写道: 请付法律服务费 50 美元。” Be Careful What You Wish For 慎重许愿 Be Careful What You Wish For A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60th birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they had been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said shyly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety. 慎重许愿 一对结婚 25 周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日。他们恰好在同一天出生。 庆祝活动中,一位仙女出现了。她说,由于他们是已经结婚 25 年的恩爱夫妻,因此 她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望。 妻子想周游世界。仙女招了招手。“To!”的一声,她的手中出现了一张票。 接下来该丈夫许愿了。他犹豫片刻,害羞地说,“那我想要一位比我年轻 30 岁的女 人。” 仙女拾起了魔术棒。“To!”,他变成了 90 岁。
A smart housewife 精明的家庭主妇 A smart housewife A smart housewife was told that there was a kind of stove which would only consume half of the coal she was burning. She was very excited, and said: "Thatll be terrific! Since one stove can save half of the coal, if I buy two, no coal will be needed!" 精明的家庭主妇 一位精明的家庭主妇听人说有一种炉子用起来可以比她现在用的炉子省一半的煤。 她 听了大为兴奋,说:“那太好了!一个炉子可以省一半的煤,那么如果我买两个炉子的话, 不就可以把煤全都省下来了吗?”
St Peter's question 圣彼德的问题 St Peter's question Three men, a doctor, an accountant and a lawyer are dead and they appear in front of St Peter. St Peter tells them that they have to answer one question in order to get to Heaven. He looks at the doctor and asks, "There was a movie that was made about a ship that sank after hitting an iceberg, what was its name?" The doctor answers, "The Titanic" and he is sent through. He then looks at the accountant and say, "How many people died in that ship?" Fortunately the accountant had just watched the movie and he answers, "1 500!". St Peter sends him through and then finally turns to the lawyer and commands, in a very heavy voice, "Name them!". 圣彼德的问题 有三个人死了,分别是一名医生、一名会计和一名律师。他们来到了圣彼德面前。圣 彼德对他们说, 如果他们想进入天堂, 就得每人回答一个问题。 圣彼德看着医生开始发问, “以前电影院放过一部电影,说的是一艘船撞击冰山后沉没,电影的名字是什么?” 医生 回答,“<<泰坦尼克号>>”,医生随即被允许进入天堂。然后圣彼德看着会计说,“船 上有多少人遇难?”。会计很走运,因为他刚看过这部电影,回答道,“1500 人遇难。” 圣彼德把会计也放进天堂了。最后,圣彼德转过身,看着律师,非常严肃地用命令的口吻 问道,“把 1500 人的名字都说出来?”
Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸
Reached Shore Fast A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?"
快速靠岸 在休伦湖钓完鱼后,我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机, 不过,他想,也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是,他爬到他的船里面, 启动了无线装置,喊道,“求救,求救”。一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应,“报告你的位 置”。 “I-75 号公路, Standish 的南面两英里”。 沉默了好一会之后, 警官问我的朋友, “你 的船靠岸时开得有多快? The Doctor Knows Better 医生懂得多 The Doctor Knows Better A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor. Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I'm not dead. I'm still alive." "Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:“我想 他伤得很厉害。” 医生说:“恐怕他已经死了。” 听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:“我没死,我还活着。” 妻子说:“安静,医生比你懂得多。 A Man of Actions 言出必行 A Man of Actions A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University.“You can have no doubt,”shouted a young man excitedly,“that if
the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I'll leave Oxford this very evening!” A buzzing noise followed.“What a man of actions ! ”one said in admiration.“How should we support him and learn from him!”said another. Suddenly, a girl asked,“What did the Dean say to you, Hob?” He bent and whispered to her,“Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!” 言出必行 一群学生聚在牛津的校园里,一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道:“毋庸置疑,如果系主任 不收回他今早对我说的话,我今晚就离开牛津。” 下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说:“我们要支持 他、学习他。” 突然,一个女孩问道:“系主任对你说什么了,霍波?” 他弯下腰小声说:“哦,呃…呃…,罗斯小姐,呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。 The Looney Bin 疯人院 The Looney Bin Late one night at the insane asylum (疯人院)one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!”Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did not!" 疯人院 一天晚上,在疯人院里,一个病人说:“我是拿破仑!”另一个说:“你怎么知道?” 第一个人说:“上帝对我说的!”一会儿,一个声音从另一个房间传来:“我没说!” Make your fortune 计划你的将来 Make
 

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