几个英语小笑话~
  1、Keys to Success 成功的关键 One day a father was teaching his son and said, "The keys to your success are keeping your word and cleverness. Once you give somebody a promise, you must carry it out on matter what will happen. This is called 'keeping one's words.' "What is cleverness?" asked his son. "Cleverness is that you'll never make such a promise, " the father answered. 一天,父亲教育儿子说: “一个人成功的关键就是严守诺言和足够聪明。一旦你给了别人承 诺,无论发生什么事,你都得实现它,这个就叫‘守诺言’” 。 儿子问: “那么什么是聪明呢?” 父亲回答: “聪明就是任何时候都别做这样的承诺。 ”
  2、Shave head 刮头 Recently, a man walked into my barbershop asking how much for a haircut. "Eight dollars," I answered. "And for a shave?" "Five dollars." "All right," he said, settling into the barber chair. "Shave my head." 前些日子,有一男的来到我的理发店,问剪一个头要多少钱。 “八美元, ”我告诉他。 “那,刮次胡子呢?” “五美元” 。 “那行” ,那男的边说边坐到了理发椅上, “来,给我刮刮头吧” 。
  3、Speeding 超速 Traveling salesmen make their living visiting as many customers as possible. So speeding to get from one appointment to the next is not unheard-of. Which is how I got pulled over by a highway patrolman. "Don't you ever look at the speedometer?" the officer scolded. Before I knew it, the truth spilled from my mouth. "As fast as I was going," I admitted, "I was afraid to take my eyes off the road." 因为旅行推销员为了谋生需要拜访尽量多的客户,所以超速飞车赶场对于他们来说也不是 没有过的事情。 有一次我就因为超速度行驶被一个公路巡警拦了下来。 “你有没有看过你 的时速表?”那名警官责问。当我的回答一出口,我立刻后悔了,但已经太晚了。 “车开得 越来越快” ,我如实地说, “我的眼睛得一直盯着前面,没敢看别的” 。
  4、How could anyone stoop so low? 哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊? Our manager at the restaurant where I worked was a much beloved, jovial man. But there was one subject you didn't dare discuss in front of him -- his height. Or, should I say, his lack of it. One day, he stormed through the door and announced angrily, "Someone just picked my pocket!" Most of my fellow waitresses and I were speechless, except for the one who blurted out, "How could anyone stoop so low?" 我们的餐厅经理是一位深受大家爱戴, 和蔼而又快乐的人。 但在他面前有一件事不能提
--他的身高。 或者,我应该说,他是有点矮!一天,经理怒气冲冲地撞门而入,高声说, “有人拿了我的钱包! ” 我和其她大部女招待都没敢吱声,但有人却蹦出一句话: “哪有人能弯腰弯那么低的啊” !
  5、Stop for the Red Light 红灯,停 I had just pulled over someone for driving under the influence when another car pulled up behind us. I stopped what I was doing and ventured back to see if the driver needed assistance. "No, I don't need any help," he said, reeking of booze. Then, pointing to the flashing cherry top on the roof of my cruiser, he continued, "I just stopped for the red light." 我刚刚把一个酒后驾驶司机的车拦了下来, 一辆车就紧跟着停了我的车后面。 我停下手 上的工作,径直走到后面的车那里,看看那位司机是否需要帮助。 “我没事,我不需要什么 帮助” ,他满嘴酒气地说。接着,他指着我警车顶上那闪着的红色警灯,说, “看到红灯,所 以我停下来了”
  6、Reached Shore Fast 快速靠岸 A guy I know was towing his boat home from a fishing trip to Lake Huron when his car broke down. He didn't have his cell phone with him, but he thought maybe he might be able to raise someone on his marine radio to call for roadside assistance. He climbed into his boat, clicked on the radio and said, "Mayday, mayday." A Coast Guard officer came on and said, "State your location." "I-75, two miles south of Standish." After a very long pause, the officer asked, "How fast were you going when you reached shore?" 在休伦湖钓完鱼后,我的一个朋友开车拖着他的船回家。路上车坏了。他没带手机,不 过,他想,也许他可以通过海事无线广播来请求公路援助。于是,他爬到他的船里面,启动 了无线装置, 喊道, “求救, 求救” 一名海岸护卫队警官作出了回应, 。 “报告你的位置” 。 “I-75 号公路,Standish 的南面两英里” 。沉默了好一会之后,警官问我的朋友, “你的船靠岸时开 得有多快?” Always Thirsty "I had an operation," said a man to his friend, "and the doctor left a sponge in me." "That"s terrible!" said the friend. "Got any pain?" "No, but I am always thirsty!" 总感到口渴 一个男人对他的朋友说:我动了一次手术, “ 手术后医生把一块海绵忘在我的身体里了。 ” “真是太糟糕了! ”朋友说道: “你觉得疼吗?” “不疼,可是我总感到口渴。 ” A Useful Way Father: Jack, why do you drink so much water? Jack: I have just had an apple, Dad. Father: What"s that got to do with it? Jack: I forgot to wash the apple. 一个有效的方法 爸爸:杰克,你干嘛喝这么多水呀?
杰克:我刚才吃了个苹果,爸爸。 爸爸:可是这跟喝水有什么关系呢? 杰克:我忘了洗苹果呀。 A Present Kate: Mom, do you know what I"m going to give you for your birthday? Mom: No, Honey, what? Kate: A nice teapot. Mom: But I"ve got a nice teapot. Kate: No, you haven"t. I"ve just dropped it. 凯特的礼物 凯特:妈妈,你知道我要给你一件什么生日礼物吗? 妈妈:不知道,宝贝,是什么呀? 凯特:一把漂亮的茶壶。 妈妈:可是我已经有一把漂亮的茶壶了呀。 凯特:不,你没有了。我刚刚把它给摔了。 The Doctor Knows Better A man was hit by a cab in the street. He was brought to the hospital. His wife who was standing up by his bed, said to the doctor: "I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead." said the doctor. Hearing this, the man moved his head and said: "I"m not dead. I"m still alive." "Be quiet, " said the wife. "the doctor knows better than you!" 医生懂得多 一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院。他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说: “我想他伤得 很厉害。 ” 医生说: “恐怕他已经死了。 ” 听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说: “我没死,我还活着。 ” 妻子说: “安静,医生比你懂得多。 ” Waste or Save? Father: Oh, Jack, you have slept away the whole morning. Don"t you know you are wasting time? Jack: Yes, Dad. But I"ve saved you a meal, haven" I? 浪费还是节约 父亲:噢,杰克,你又睡了一上午。难道你不知道你这是在浪费时间吗? 杰克:我知道,爸爸。可我还给您节省了一顿饭呢,是不是? Why Is He Howling Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven"t even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know, but you are standing on my foot! 他为什么喊 牙医:请你不要再喊了!我还没碰你的牙呢。 病人:我知道,可是你正踩着我的脚呀! Three police jokes 洛杉矶警察局、联邦调查局和中央情报局都想证明自己最擅长抓犯人了,总统决定做个
实验,把一只兔子放进森林让他们找出来。 中央情报局进去了,在森林里布了很多动物内线,盘问所有的植物和矿石证人,经过三 个月广泛的调查得出结论兔子不存在。 联邦调查局进去了,两个星期没找着线索,烧了森林,杀死了所有的东西,也包括兔子。 洛杉矶警察局进去了,两个小时后出来了,押着一个被打得不象样的狗熊,狗熊喊, “好 了,好了, 我是兔子,我是兔子。 ” The Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming. The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: Okay! Okay! I"m a rabbit! I"m a rabbit! 注:洛杉矶警察局粗暴,中央情报局大愚若智,联邦调查局残忍。 一个游客问一个穿制服的男人, “你是警察吗?” “不是,我是一名便衣侦探。 ” “为什么你穿制服?” “今天我休息。 ” A tourist asks a man in uniform, Are you a policeman? No, I am an undercover detective. So why are you in uniform? Today is my day off. 创新句子:我有时候也想放慢脚步休息一下,可打开冰箱看看,还不到时候。 某人最近乘飞机去纽约,他决定和邻座聊会儿天, “我知道一个很好的警察笑话,你想听 吗?” “我首先应该让你知道我是一名警察。 ” “很好,我会讲得很慢。 ” A man was recently flying to New York. He decided to strike up a conversation with his seat mate. I"ve got a great policeman joke. Would you like to hear it? I should let you know first that I am a policeman. That"s OK. I"ll tell it really slow! 注:警察听警察笑话很吃力。 问: Why do Jews have such big noses? (为什么犹太人都有大鼻子?) 答: Because air is free. (因为空气是免费的) 你得知道两个文化点才能明白这个笑话:
  1. 美国人眼中的犹太人都有个大大的鹰钩鼻。
  2. 犹太人又精明、又小气。 我们很多中国人都有这样一个概念: 犹太人是绝顶聪明的。 事实上呢?我不知道是不是
全部如此,但是我的犹太人的朋友们都是非常聪明的,而且特别有生意头脑。从达芬奇《最 后的晚餐》中塑造的犹太人形象开始,犹太人就给人留下了这样的印象:长着一个大大的鹰 钩鼻。莎士比亚的《威尼斯商人》又强化了人们对犹太人“精明、算计、贪婪”的印象。所 以在这个笑话里, “空气是免费的”的背后文化含义就是犹太人的精明和小气。 记得有一次一个朋友带我去酒吧喝酒。 他告诉我说那里的酒是免费的, 于是我高兴得都 要跳起来了。他于是对我说: “Are you Jewish or something? (你是犹太人还是怎么着?)。 ” 大家不要轻易开关于别的种族的玩笑,在美国,一般,只有自己开自己种族的玩笑才是安全 的,无害的。那你问,那你那个朋友怎么可以开关于犹太人的玩笑。答案是,我的那个朋友 就是个犹太人。^_^ 好了,考你一个笑话,看你看懂没有: 问: What's "Jewish dilemma." (什么能够让犹太人进退两难?) 答: Free Pork. (免费的猪肉) 文化点:
  1. 犹太人小气
  2. 犹太人是不应该吃猪肉的。 明白了吗? 再给大家来一则关于犹太人的笑话: 问: What's the difference between Jews and canoes? (犹太人和独木舟的区别在哪里?) 答: Canoes tip. (独木舟能倾倒而犹太人不会倾倒) 你一头雾水吧!什么乱七八糟的?在英语里的很多笑话,都用了双关语 (pun). 在英 文里,tip 不仅表示“倾斜、倾倒” ,还表示“给小费”的意思。所以这则笑话又是在指桑骂 槐说犹太人小气,不给消费。 好了,下面这个笑话是关于犹太妈妈 (Jewish mother) 的。你说,啊?关于犹太人的 妈妈还有说法,对! 没错! Q: What did the waiter ask a group of Jewish mothers? (侍应生问了一帮犹太妈妈一个什 么问题?) A: "Is anything all right?" (有没有任何事情令您满意的?) 在这个笑话里展示出来的犹太妈妈的形象是斤斤计较,非常不通情理,很难伺候。因为 在英文里,侍应生在餐馆招待顾客的时候,问的问题往往是: everything alright?” 一切 “Is 都还好吧! 一般也就是那么一问, 不会指望你来真的挑错。 但是在这个笑话里, “everything” 把 变成了“anything” ,表示有没有一样事情是你不会挑出刺来的? No Hoes 没有锄头 A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the phone rang. “Hello, my son.” it was his father’s voice, “where is your mother?” “Mother is working in the garden.” “What?” barked the father, “Your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren’t you helping her?” “I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe.” 一个 13 岁的男孩正坐在沙发上看电视,这时电话响了。 “喂,儿子。 ”是父亲打来的。 “你妈呢?”
“妈妈在院子里干活呢!” “什么?”父亲吼道。 “你妈已经不如从前那么强壮了。你这时怎么不在帮她?” “不行啊!
 

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