英语笑话
1,What is a traitor? Young hopeful:"Father, what is a traitor in politics?" Father (a veteran politician):"A traitor is a man who leaves our party and goes over to the other one." Young hopeful:"Well then, what is a man who leaves his party and comes over to yours?" Father:"A convert, my son." 什么叫叛徒? 有希望的青年人:"父亲,什么叫政治叛徒?" 父亲(一位老资格的政治家):"叛徒指的是离开我们党而加入到另一个党的人." 有希望的青年人:"那么,离开他的党而加入到我们党的人又叫什么呢?" 父亲:"叫改变信仰者,我的儿子.
2,老婆生气的后果 A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the bo ys and spending his entire paycheck. When He finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a ti rade befitting his actions. Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him, "How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three d ays?" To which he replied. "That would be fine with me." Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results.
Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye. 3,Be Careful What You Wish For A couple had been married for 25 years and were celebrating their 60t h birthdays, which fell on the same day. During the celebration a fairy appeared and said that because they ha d been such a loving couple for all 25 years, she would give them one wish each. The wife wanted to travel around the world. The fairy waved her hand, and Boom! She had the tickets in her hand. Next, it was the husband's turn. He paused for a moment, then said sh yly, "Well, I'd like to have a woman 30 years younger than me." The fairy picked up her wand, and Boom! He was ninety. 慎重许愿 一对结婚 25 周年的夫妻在庆祝他们六十岁的生日.他们恰好在同一天出生. 庆祝活动中,一位仙女出现了.她说,由于他们是已经结婚 25 年的恩爱夫妻, 因此她给许给这对夫妻每个人一个愿望. 妻子想周游世界.仙女招了招手."?!"的一声,她的手中出现了一张票. 接下来该丈夫许愿了.他犹豫片刻,害羞地说,"那我想要一位比我年轻 30 岁 的女人." 仙女拾起了魔术棒."?!",他变成了 90 岁. 4,自相矛盾 self-contradiction tergiversate a man of the state of chu had a spear and a shield for sale. he was p raising his shield. "my shield is so strong that nothing can pierce it through." he also sang praises of his spear. "my spear is so strong that it can pierce through anything." what would happen, he was asked, if your spear is used to pierce your shield? he was unable to give an answer. it is impossible for the strongest shield to coexist with a spear tha t finds nothing impenetrable.
译文: 从前,有一个卖矛和盾的楚国人.他大声的夸奖他的盾:"我的盾是最坚固的, 没有东西能刺透它." 接着,他又赞美他的矛, 说:"我的矛是最锐利的,它能 刺透任何东西."有人问他:"那如果用你的矛去刺你的盾,会怎么样呢?" 卖矛和盾的人回答不出来了. 世界上不可能同时存在最坚固的盾和最锐利的矛. 5,I'm not having it all cut off. Miles sometime went to the barber's during working hours to have his hair cut. But this was against the office rules: clerks had to ha ve their hair cut in their own time. While Miles was at the barber's one day, the manager of the office came in by chance to have his own hair cut and sat just beside him. "Hello, Miles," the manager said. "I see that you are having your hair cut in office time." "Yes, sir, I am," admitted Miles calmly. "You see, sir, it grows in office time." "Not all of it," said the manager at once. "Some of it grows in y our own time." "Yes, sir, that's quite true." Answered Miles politely, "but I'm not having it all cut off." 没把头发全剪掉啊! 麦尔斯有时在上班时间去理发馆理发,但这是违反办公室规定的:职员只能 利用自己的时间理发.一天,正当麦尔斯理发时,经理碰巧也进来理发,而且就 坐在他旁边. "你好,麦尔斯,"经理说."我看到你在上班时间理发了." "是的,先生.正是这样."麦尔斯平静地承认了."可先生,你看,头发 是在上班时间长的." "不全都是吧,"经理立刻说,"有一些是在你自己的时间里长的." "对呀,先生,你说得很对."麦尔斯礼貌地回答说,"但我并没有把头发全 都剪掉啊." 6,解读"千变万化"的奥巴马 解读"千变万化"
Chinese hairdresser Huang Xin works on his latest creation, a replica of US President Barack Obama made from human hair, at his barbershop in Beijing. 中国的毛发雕塑艺术家黄新(音)正在他北京的理发店里忙活他的最新作品: 一个 用毛发制作的奥巴马雕塑.
An artist crafts a dough figurine of US President Barack Obama, made from flour and water, in Shenyang. 沈阳的一位艺术家用面粉和水做的奥巴 马面塑.
Chinese artist Liu Bolin warms his hands as his sculpture "Burning Ma n Obama" is tested at a workshop in Beijing. 中国艺术家刘伯林(音)正用 他工作室测试中的最新雕塑作品"火人奥巴马"来暖手.
An artist displays woodcut portraits of US President Obama at the Yu Gardens in Shanghai. 上海豫园,艺术家在出售木雕的奥巴马头像作品. Part7, Part-time Job When my son was a hign-school sophomore, he got a part-time job sacki ng groceries at a supermarket. He came home all smiles. "How was your first day?" I asked. "It was great, Dad," he replied. "I got to talk to some good-looking girls." Since Stephen is not very talkative, I asked, "What did you say to th em?" "Do you prefer paper or plastic?" 业余工作 我儿子在一所中学读二年级时,在一家超级市场找到了一份包装商品的业余工 作.他满面笑容地回到了家. "第一天感觉如何?"我问. "好极了,爸爸."他答道,"我跟许多漂亮的女孩子讲了话." 由于斯蒂芬不善言谈,我问道:"你跟他们说了些什么?" "你是喜欢纸包装还是塑料包装?"
8,A
Benefactor 恩人
In ancient Rome, if you broke the law or you opposed the government, you would be thrown inside a lions' cage. It was recorded in the Bible that a man called Daniel was thrown into a lions' cage by the king. It turned out that the lions, though very hungry, did not eat him. So he became very famous. The king respected him very much and was initiated by him to practice spiritually! There was another story that happened about the same time. A person who opposed the government was thrown into a lions' cage. However, whenever a lion went near him, it left him in a few seconds and went to a spot far away, with its mouth watering, making a slurping sound. Even though its mouth was watering, it did not dare eat him. The first lion, the second, to the sixth one, all did the same thing. They all approached him but left after a few seconds! They dept a distance from him, where they stared at him, with their mouth watering and their tongues hanging out, but none of them dared to eat him. The king was also very surprised to see that no lion would eat him. Eventually the king let him out and asked him, "What is your secret that the lions would not dare eat you? Who are you?" He replied, "I am no one special!" "Why was it that whenever the lions approached you, they left and stayed away from you, but with their mouths watering? What actually happened?" He said, "Ah! It was nothing really! Whenever they came near, I secretly said in their ears, 'My eldest son is the manager of an animal protection organization.' Then they left me." 恩人 在罗马时代,如果你犯法,或是你抵抗政府,那政府就会把你丢在 狮子笼里面.在圣经里有记载,有一个人他叫但尼尔,他被国王丢在 狮子笼里面,结果很饿的狮子没吃他,所以他后来很出名,国王很 尊重他,又变成他的徒弟跟他修行啦!另外一个故事也是发生在一样的时代, 有个人抵抗政府,国王就把他丢在狮子笼里面,结果每一次狮子一 靠近他,等过了几秒就会离开,跑到远一点的地方,在那边流口水, 「啧!啧!」发出声音,口水都流下,不过不吃他,第一只,第二只 到第六只狮子都这样,一靠近他几秒就离开了!跑到好远的地方流口水, 瞪着看他,舌头伸得很长,不过都不敢吃他.
国王看没有狮子可以吃他,也很惊讶,最后把他放出来,问道: 「你有什么秘诀让狮子不敢吃你?你是什么人啊?」他说: 「我不是什么人哪!」「不过为什么每一次狮子一靠近你,它们就离开, 然后在那边嘴馋的流口水呢?到底怎么一回事?」他说: 「唉呀!没什么啦!每次它们一靠近, 我就悄悄在它们耳旁说:『我家老大,我的儿子是保护动物组织的 经理』,然后它们就离开我了.」 9,Make Up For Cat
A driver is making an apology to a housewife for running over and killing her pet cat. He promised that he would make up for her loss. "Fine," the housewife said, "but can you actually catch mice?"
补偿猫的损失
一个汽车司机因为轧死了一位家庭妇女的宠物猫而向她道歉, 承诺要对她的损失给予补偿. "好吧."妇女说:"那你真的能抓老鼠吗?" 10,The Multi-Purpose Fly Swatter (Originally in English) A mother came home from shopping for tea, and saw that some tea had already been made by her 15-year-old daughter. The mother then asked the daughter, "Did you use the tea strainer?" Because in England they use chopped tea leaves to make tea, and you have to use a tea strainer to strain out the tea leaves, and then drink only the liquid.
And the daughter said, "Yes, mother, I did filter the tea leaves. But I couldn't find the tea strainer, so I used the fly swatter." The mother said, "Oh! My God! Why did you do that? You shouldn't have done that!" And the daughter said, "Oh mother, don't panic. It's just an old one. I didn't use the new one."
多功能苍蝇拍 母亲购物回来,想喝点茶,发现她 15 岁的女儿已经泡好茶了, 就问女儿:'你用滤茶器了吗?'因为英国人用碎茶叶来泡茶, 所以要用滤茶器过滤出茶水来喝.女儿回答:'妈,我有过滤, 但因为找不到滤茶器,所以就用苍蝇拍来过滤.'母亲听了就说: '噢!怎么搞的,你不能这样做啦!'女儿回答:'妈,你不要紧张, 我只是用那支旧的苍蝇拍,没有用新的那支!'
11,Pizza 的一些英语小趣闻 周末朋友小聚,有时候就会选择吃 Pizza.在您享受美食的同时,您知道 Pizza 的一些小趣 闻吗?下面,就让我们一起来看看 Pizza12 个鲜为人知的"小秘密"吧! Just hearing the word "pizza" brings a smile to the face of just about every Am erican. Whatever style or variety -- from thick, Chicago-style deep-dish pizza stuffed with gobs of cheese, sausage, and pepperoni to a thin-as-a-cracker crus t topped with veggies -- pizza invariably makes it to the top of "favorite food " lists. Here, we've compiled a list of fun and interesting facts about this American fo od icon. See how many you knew!

  1. Since 1987, October has been officially designated National Pizza Month in t he United States.
  2. Approximately three billion pizzas are sold in the United States every year, plus an additional one billion frozen pizzas.
  3. Pizza is a $30 billion industry in the United States.
  4. Pizzerias represent 17 percent of all US restaurants.
  5. Ninety-three percent of Americans eat pizza at least once a month.
  6. Women are twice as likely as men to order vegetarian toppings on their pizz a.
  7. About 36 percent of all pizzas contain pepperoni, making it the most popular topping in the United States.
  8. The first known pizzeria, Antica Pizzeria, opened in Naples, Italy, in 17
  38.
  9. More pizza is consumed during the week of the Super Bowl than any other time of the year.
  10. On average, each person in the United States eats around 23 pounds of pizza every year.
  11. The first pizzeria in the United States was opened by Gennaro Lombardi in 1 895 in New York City.
  12. The record for the world's largest pizza depends on how you slice it. Accor ding to Guinness World Records, the record for the world's largest circular piz za was set at Norwood Hypermarket in South Africa in 19
  90. The gigantic pie mea sured 122 feet 8 inches across, weighed 26,883 pounds, and contained 9,920 poun ds of flour, 3,968 pounds of cheese, and 1,984 pounds of sauce. In 2005, the re cord for the world's largest rectangular pizza was set in Iowa Falls, Iowa. Piz za restaurant owner Bill Bahr and a team of 200 helpers created the 129 X
  98.6foot pizza from 4,000 pounds of cheese, 700 pounds of sauce, and 9,500 sections
of crust. The enormous pie was enough to feed the town's 5,200 residents ten s lices of pizza each. 12,Always Share!
An old couple went into a restaurant and ordered something to eat:one Coca Cola and one portion of French fries. The old man sat down and the woman, his wife, sat opposite him, and he began to divide the Coca Cola into two glasses, half for him and half for his wife. He divided all the French fries half-and-half. He gave half to his wife and kept half for himself. Then he began to eat and drink,and the woman just drank but didn't eat.
 

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