He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗? 约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆:真糟糕,怎么回事儿? 约翰尼:我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了。 I Have His Ear in My Pocket Ivan came home with a bloody nose and his mother asked, "What happened?" "A kid bit me," replied Ivan. "Would you recognize him if you saw him again?" asked his mother. "I'd know him any where," said Ivan. "I have his ear in my pocket." 他的耳朵在我衣兜里 伊凡鼻子流着血回到家里。他妈妈问,“发生了什么事?” “一个男孩咬了我一口,”伊凡说。 “再见到他你能认出来吗?”妈妈问。 “他走到哪里我都能认出他,”伊凡说。“他的耳朵还在我衣兜里呢。” A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here are two cents more. But why are you so interested in the old woman?" "She is the one who sells the candy." 好孩子 小罗伯特向妈妈要两分钱。 “昨天给你的钱干什么了?” “我给了一个可怜的老太婆,”他回答说。 “你真是个好孩子,”妈妈骄傲地说。“再给你两分 钱。可你为什么对那位老太太那么感兴趣呢?” “她是个卖糖果的。”
Drunk One day, a father and his little son were going home. At this age, the boy was interested in all kinds of things and was always asking questions. Now, he asked, "What's the meaning of the word 'Drunk', dad?" "Well, my son," his father replied, "look, there are standing two policemen. If I regard the two policemen as four then I am drunk." "But, dad," the boy said, " there's only ONE policeman!" 醉酒 一天,父亲与小儿子一道回家。这个孩子正处于那种对什么事都很感兴趣的年龄,老是有提 不完的问题。他向父亲发问道:“爸爸,‘醉’字是什么意思?” “唔,孩子,”父亲回答说,“你 瞧那儿站着两个警察。如果我把他们看成了四个,那么我就算醉了。” “可是,爸爸, ”孩子 说,“那儿只有一个警察呀!” Hospitality The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest for serving an apple-pie without any cheese. The little boy of the family left the room quietly for a moment and returned with a piece of cheese which he laid on the guest's plate. The visitor smiled, put the cheese into his mouth and then said: "You must have better eyes than your mother, sonny. Where did you find the cheese?" "In the rat-trap, sir," replied the boy. 好客 由于客人在吃苹果馅饼时,家里没有奶酪了,于是女主人向大家表示歉意。这家的小男孩悄 悄地离开了屋子。过了一会儿,他拿着一片奶酪回到房间,把奶酪放在客人的盘子里。 客 人微笑着把奶酪放进嘴里说:“孩子,你的眼睛就是比你妈妈的好。你在哪里找到的奶酪?” “在捕鼠夹上,先生。”那小男孩说。 英语小笑话 上个星期五我穿了一件 Adidas 的衣服去打球, 一个老美看到就笑我说, "Do you know what does it mean? It means All Day I Dream About Sex.我整天都在想著 性, 缩写正好是 Adidas) " 我正惊讶他怎么反应这么快, 联想力这么丰富时,旁边的 一个老美帮我解围, 他说, 有一个很著名的合唱团 Korn, 他们的招牌歌之一就是 A.D.I.D.A.S, (All day I dream about sex)所以呢,这个典故可是很多老美都耳熟 能详的喔! 下次就换你去取笑老美了. 好消息&坏消息! An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings currently on display. "I've got good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good
news is that a gentleman inquired about your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. When I told him it would, he bought all fifteen of your paintings." "That's wonderful!" the artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news?". With concern, the gallery owner replied, "The guy was your doctor." 一名艺术家问画廊老板,最近有没有人对他展出的画感兴趣。“这有好消息和坏消息,”老 板回答。“好消息是有一位先生咨询你的作品,他想知道在你死后你的画会不会升值。我告诉 他你的画会升值,他就把你的 15 幅画全都买走了。” “真是太好了”,艺术家是喜形于色,“那坏消息是什么?”带着关心的口吻,画廊老板回答,“买 画的人是你的医生”。 Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately reviewed her file and called her into his office. "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom,he's dead." Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I hung him up to dry." Jim 和 Mary 都是精神病院里的病人。 一天,他们沿着医院的游泳池散步,Jim 突然跳入泳 池的深水区,他沉到了底部。Mary 立刻跳下去救他,她潜到水底,把 Jim 拉了上来。 当院长听闻了 Mary 的英勇行为后,他立刻翻看了她的病历档案,把她叫进了自己的办公 室,“Mary,我有一个好消息和一个坏消息要告诉你。好消息是你能跳入水中救其他病人,这说 明你的意识已经恢复了,你可以出院了。坏消息就是,Jim,你救的那个病人,他还是用自己的浴 袍带子在浴室上吊自杀了。” Mary 说:“他没有自杀,是我把他吊起来好让他晾干。” Itworked 真的有效 Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it. So Tom went to his doctor, the doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well, and in fact, beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!" "That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?" Tom 早上老起不来,所以上班总是迟到。 他的老板非常生气,警告他如果他不能有所改善 的话就炒他的鱿鱼。 于是,Tom 去看医生,医生给了他一颗药丸并告诉他要在睡觉前服下这颗 药。Tom 照医生的话做了,睡得非常之好,事实上,他在早上闹钟响之前就起来了。Tom 从容 不迫地吃完早餐,然后兴高采烈地开车上班去了。 “老板”,Tom 说,“那药真管用,我的睡眠好极了!” “是够管用的,”老板说,“问题是,昨天你人哪去了”? Lifeafterdeath 死后重生 "Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.
"Yes, Sir." the new recruit replied."Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to see you. “你相信人能死后重生吗?”老板问他的一个员工。 “我相信,先生”。这位刚上班不久的员工回答。 “哦,那还好”。老板接着说。 “你昨天提早下班去参加你祖母的葬礼后,她老人家到这儿看你来了。”
Businessjuststarted 开张大吉 A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come in to the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines." 一个年轻人的公司刚刚开张。他租用了漂亮的办公室,办公室内还放上了古董作装饰。 这天,这位年轻人正在办公室里面坐着,他看到一个男的走进了办公室。为显示他是个成功的 老板,这位年轻的生意人拿起电话假装正在谈大买卖,张觜就是三、五个亿,闭觜就说一切搞 定、没问题!好不容易电话“打”完,挂上听筒,年轻人问进来的那人,“您有事吗?”那人说,“有事, 我是来给你开通电话的”。
你可以跟他们中任何一个结婚 One day a girl brings home her boyfriend and tells her father she wants to marry him. After talking to him for a while, he tells his daughter she can't do it because he's her half brother. The same problem happens again four more times! The girl starts to get pissed off. She goes to her mom and says, "Mom... What have you been doing all your life? Dad's been going around laying every maiden in the town and now I can't marry any of the five guys I like because they have turned out to be my half brothers!!!" Her mom replies, "Don't worry darling, you can marry any one of them you want, he isn't really your dad." 一天,一个女孩把男孩子带回家见父亲,说要跟这个男孩结婚。她父亲跟男孩谈了一会之 后,对她说她不能嫁给这个男孩,因为男孩跟她其实是同父异母的兄弟。 之后,女孩又认识了另 外四个男孩并一一带回家见父亲,请求父亲同意他们结婚,但结果都是一样,这些男孩竟然跟 她都是同父异母!女孩真的是被气坏了。她跟母亲说,“妈,你这一辈子到底是怎么过的?爸爸在 镇上到处胡搞,现在我都谈到第五个男孩了,但现在一个都不能嫁,因为他们最后都是跟我一 个爸爸”! 女孩说完,她母亲回答说,“亲爱的,不用担心,你可以跟他们中的任何一个结婚,你爸爸其 实也,也不是你的亲爹”。 Blonde Tries To Repair Her Car
A blonde was driving back from the mall when there was a terrible hail storm. Huge hail stones the size of golf balls pelted her car leaving it full of dents. She drove to the body shop and asked what she should do. The body man explained what needed to be done and that it would cost at least $4000 to repair. She said that was too much and wasn't there some other way to fix it? The body man decided to have a little fun and said "Well you could blow into the tail pipe real hard and they might pop back out!" She decided to give it a try before spending that much money. So she drove home and was in the garage with her lips wrapped around the exhaust pipe when her blonde neighbor came over to visit. "What are you doing!" she shrieked thinking the worst and thankful that she may have just prevented her friend from committing suicide. "I'm blowing into the tailpipe real hard to pop all these dents out of my car" explained the first blonde. "Well silly, it's not going to work" replied her neighbor. "Why not"? asked the first blonde.
"Because you've got to roll up the windows first"
转自:http://www.enbar.net/en/2009-10-28/content9_12
  80.shtml A man goes to see a doctor and says to him, "I cannot sleep every night because my neighbor upstairs makes so much loud noise. He lets me get no sleep at all." The doctor says, "Oh, no problem! It's easy! I'll give you something, and you'll have a good sleep." The next day, the man goes to see the doctor again and complains, "I have taken the pills but still cannot sleep." The doctor says, "Oh, my God! They were earplugs for your ears!" 来源:壹壹英语 失眠症 有一个人去看医生,他说: ‘我每天晚上都失眠, 因为我楼上邻居吵得我无法入睡。 ’医生说: ‘没问题!这很容易,我给你一点东西,你就会睡得很好。 ’ 隔天,病人又去看医生,并抱怨: 我服用了那些药丸, ‘ 还是没办法睡觉。 ’医生说: ‘ 天啊!我给你的是耳塞,是要你塞耳朵用的呀! 转自:http://www.enbar.net/en/2009-10-28/content9_12
  79.shtml A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to
you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a second", then the man says: "God, can I have a penny?" and God says "In a second" 一男子进入教堂和上帝对话.他问:"主啊, 一百万美元对你意味着多少?"上帝回答:"一便 士."男子又问:"那一百万年呢?"上帝说:"一秒钟."最后男子请求道:"上帝,我能得到一便士吗?" 上帝回答:"过一秒钟." Four best friends met at the hospital since their wives were giving births to their babies. The nurse comes up to the first man and says, "Congratulations, you got twins." The man said "How strange, I'm the manager of Minnesota Twins." After awhile the nurse comes up to the second man and says, "Congratulations, you got triplets." Man was like "Hmmm, strange I worked as a director for the "3 musketeers." Finally, the nurse comes up to the third man and says "Congratulations, you got twins x
  2." Man
 

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