英语幽默故事

She Didn't Say Anything
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.
“How do you know?” asked her father.
“She didn't say anything.”
 
I Have Turned It Over
A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”
The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”
His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.”
 
The Art of Cry
When Mrs Johnson entered Belli's room, she found that he was binding up his thumb.
“What's the matter with you?” she asked.
“It is because of that hammer.” Belli answered.
“But I didn't hear you cry.” “Oh, I thought you were not in just now.”
 
We Need Two of Those
“Do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job.
“No,” said the personnel director checking the list. “We have got plenty of typists.”
“How about file clerks?” asked the man.
“Sorry, we have many file clerks, too.”
Disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “Well, I'll be an S.O.B.…”
The personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! We need two of those.”
 
It's Not That
“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.
“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?”
“No,” he answered. “Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”
 
It Is Out Too
One cold day, a friend of the Browns' went to visit them. The maid stopped him at the door. The friend asked, “Is Mr. Brown at home?” “No, he has gone out.” Replied the maid. “Is Mrs. Brown at home, then?” “No, she gone out.” “May I come in and sit by the stove?” “No, it has gone out, too.”
 
Is There a Crib in Your Stomach?
When my sister-in-law Leah was expecting her second child, her son Brian would sometimes touch his mother's tummy to feel the baby move. One day, while touching her stomach and not feeling anything, he asked, “How come the baby isn't moving?”
“The baby is sleeping,” replied his mother.
Brian thought for a moment and then said, “You mean you got a crib in there too?”
 
Mother Mouse
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat
crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified
that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the
value of a second language?"
 
I Want to Tell
When I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing baseball. We looked around to see if anyone had seen us. No one was in sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece of candy not to tell. He refused it.
“I'll give you my baseball,” I said.
“No!”
“Well, what do you want?”
“I want to tell.”
 
A Clever Professor
Once a professor at Glasgow University put up a notice, which read: “Professor Black will meet his class tomorrow.” This means that he was going to give his students a lecture the next day.
One naughty boy of the class saw the notice and wiped away the first letter of the word “class” in the notice. Then the sentence became “Professor Black will meet his lass tomorrow”, which means the professor would meet his girl friend. Seeing this, the professor didn't take it seriously. He, then, simply left out another letter of the word. Finally, the word “class” was turned into “ass”, which means, as we all know, “a stupid donkey”. Overall, the student hadn't surpassed the teacher.
 
Tom and His Mother
“Mother,” said little Tom, “did you tell father I wanted a new bicycle?”
“Yes, dear,” said his mother. “I told him, but he said he couldn't afford to buy you one.”
“Of course he would say that. But what did you do?”
I told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused.
“Argued? Ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then you'd have got it!”
 
Sand and Fur Coat
Tom: Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to see a doctor. It cost me three dollars.
John: That is nothing. Last week a fur coat went into my wife's eye and it cost me three hundred dollars.
 
No Hoes
A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the telephone rang.
“Hello, my son,” it was his father's voice, “Where is your mother.”
“Mother is out working in the garden.”
“What!” barked the father, “your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you helping her?”
“I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe!”
 
Coincidence
A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.
“What a terrible voice!” he said. “Do you know who she is?”
“Yes,” was the answer. “She is my wife.”
“Oh, I beg your pardon,” The man said, “Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”
“I did.” was the answer.
 
I Can't See
An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home. He went to the doctor and said to him, “My eyesight is very bad. Can you help me?”
The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked, “Well, but bow can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?”
The Irishman looked about the room and at last said, “Well, doctor, can you see that nail on the wall?”
“Yes.” Replied the doctor.
“Well then,” said the Irishman, “and I can't.”
 
Tom Saw a Tiger
“Last week,” Tom said to his friend Ned, “I went for a walk in a large park. It was very cold; the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a tiger.”
“What did you do?”
“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home,” answered Tom.
“Did he run after you?” asked Ned.
“No, he didn't. You see, it was in the zoo.”
 
All Languages Spoken
An Englishman arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on the door: “All languages spoken here.”
He spoke to the manager in English, German and Russian, but received no answer. At last he asked in French: “Who speaks all the languages here?”
“The hotel guests,” was the answer.
 
Ten Cents
Robert asked his mother for ten cents. “What are you going to do with the money?” “I'm going to give it to a poor lady, “he answered. “You are a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “Here you are. But why are you so interested in the old lady?” “She is the one who sells ice-suckers.”
 
A Polite Boy
Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady gets on the bus, and the boy at once jumps down and says: “May I offer you my seat?”
“Thank you, little boy. You are really a good child!”
 
Are You Going to Dance?
Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in an armchair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.
“Are you going to dance?” asked the man pleasantly.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Good,” he said, “May I have your seat then?”
 
A New Son
Old man: May I sit here?
Young man: No, you can't. The seat is occupied.
Young man : (to a beautiful girl) Eh…yes. The seat was for her. She is my sister.
Old man: Really? Then I am glad to see you, my new son.
Old man: She is my daughter.
 
Just the Opposite
One warm summer morning before breakfast a rich gentleman was walking in the park near his house.
Suddenly he saw a man, who was sitting under a tree. The rich man never met this man before. The man was rather pale and poorly dressed.
When the rich gentleman approached him, the man rose and said, “Good morning, sir, a fine day, you come out rather early.”
“Yes, I did,” answered the rich man. “I came out to see if I can get an appetite for my breakfast. But what are you doing here at such an early hour?”
“You see, sir,” said the poor man, “I came out see if I can get a breakfast for my appetite.”
 
An Opposite Example
An aesthetics professor's grandson asked his grandfather. “Grandpa, why did you say that all the falses are ugly?”
“That's certainly true. Couldn't you give me an opposite example?”
“Oh, yes,” the grandson, climbing on his grandfather's knees, said proudly, “Look at yourself. When you put on your false teeth, you looked younger and lively; when you get off them, your mouth looked empty and shrivelled, that's really ugly. Isn't it an opposite example?”
The professor could find no answer.
 
At a Loss
Son: Papa, where were you born?
Father: New York, dear.
Son: where was Mamma born?
Father: In Los Angeles.
Son: Where was I born then?
Father: In Washington D.C. .
1013 : It certainly is funny how we three people got together, isn't it?
 
Keep Feeding Him Nickels
A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickle in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.
“Your son just swallowed a nickle and coughed up tow dimes!”
“What shall I do?”
Yelled back the father, “Keep feeding him nickels!”
 
The Same Mother
Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition: “My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it. The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?”
“We have the same mother, don't we?”
 
A Friend of the Duck
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China whose speciality was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of the duck. This is the wing of the duck.
Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence. “Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It's a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.
 
It's Not a Picture
A middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman's image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”
“Don't be so fussy,” said the husband. “It's not a picture. It's a mirror!”
 
It's Unfair
Once there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advised him to be a cemetery caretaker as it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery caretaker. But to everybody's surprise he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one who has to stand.”
 
My Gift to the Judge
Man: Can you tell me which judge will hear my case? I want to send him some bottles of good wine.
Lawyer: No, I can't. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to lose the case.
Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surprise.
Man: Yes, of course. But I put my opponent's name on the card with the drink.
 
A Hundred Per Cent
Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?
Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the disease: Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!
 
Who Are They?
A portrait painter was very much worried because no customers had ever come to him. A friend of his advised him to make a painting of himself and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad. The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to see him.
“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.
“Don't you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.
“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly stranger?”
 
I'm the Dead Donkey's Father
A traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.
A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could see nothing because he stood behind. Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, please. I'm his father!” The other people were surprised, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly, he couldn't say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.
 
I Saw Father Get I
 

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