英语幽默故事

She Didn't Say Anything
A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence.
The girl looked at her father and said, “It was Mom”.
“How do you know?” asked her father.
“She didn't say anything.”
 
I Have Turned It Over
A woman said to her husband, “dear, look at our sheet! It's too dirty. Would you like to wash it now?”
The man looked at the sheet and then thought for a while and then said, “I don't think it's necessary. We can turn the sheet over. Is that all right?”
His wife was very angry at this. “How lazy you are!” She shouted, “To tell you the truth, I turned it over last week.”
 
The Art of Cry
When Mrs Johnson entered Belli's room, she found that he was binding up his thumb.
“What's the matter with you?” she asked.
“It is because of that hammer.” Belli answered.
“But I didn't hear you cry.” “Oh, I thought you were not in just now.”
 
We Need Two of Those
“Do you need any typists?” asked a young man seeking a job.
“No,” said the personnel director checking the list. “We have got plenty of typists.”
“How about file clerks?” asked the man.
“Sorry, we have many file clerks, too.”
Disgusted, the applicant started to leave, muttering. “Well, I'll be an S.O.B.…”
The personnel man jumped up and cried, “what! We need two of those.”
 
It's Not That
“May I borrow your record player tonight?” a man asked his neighbor.
“Sure. Do you want to listen to some music?”
“No,” he answered. “Tonight I want to have some peace and quiet.”
 
It Is Out Too
One cold day, a friend of the Browns' went to visit them. The maid stopped him at the door. The friend asked, “Is Mr. Brown at home?” “No, he has gone out.” Replied the maid. “Is Mrs. Brown at home, then?” “No, she gone out.” “May I come in and sit by the stove?” “No, it has gone out, too.”
 
Is There a Crib in Your Stomach?
When my sister-in-law Leah was expecting her second child, her son Brian would sometimes touch his mother's tummy to feel the baby move. One day, while touching her stomach and not feeling anything, he asked, “How come the baby isn't moving?”
“The baby is sleeping,” replied his mother.
Brian thought for a moment and then said, “You mean you got a crib in there too?”
 
Mother Mouse
A mother mouse was out for a stroll with her babies when she spotted a cat
crouched behind a bush. She watched the cat, and the cat watched the mice.
Mother mouse barked fiercely, "Woof, woof, woof!" The cat was so terrified
that it ran for it's life.
Mother mouse turned to her babies and said, "Now, do you understand the
value of a second language?"
 
I Want to Tell
When I was 12, my best friend and I broke a window playing baseball. We looked around to see if anyone had seen us. No one was in sight except my younger brother. We went over and offered him a piece of candy not to tell. He refused it.
“I'll give you my baseball,” I said.
“No!”
“Well, what do you want?”
“I want to tell.”
 
A Clever Professor
Once a professor at Glasgow University put up a notice, which read: “Professor Black will meet his class tomorrow.” This means that he was going to give his students a lecture the next day.
One naughty boy of the class saw the notice and wiped away the first letter of the word “class” in the notice. Then the sentence became “Professor Black will meet his lass tomorrow”, which means the professor would meet his girl friend. Seeing this, the professor didn't take it seriously. He, then, simply left out another letter of the word. Finally, the word “class” was turned into “ass”, which means, as we all know, “a stupid donkey”. Overall, the student hadn't surpassed the teacher.
 
Tom and His Mother
“Mother,” said little Tom, “did you tell father I wanted a new bicycle?”
“Yes, dear,” said his mother. “I told him, but he said he couldn't afford to buy you one.”
“Of course he would say that. But what did you do?”
I told him how badly you wanted it and argued in favor of it, but he refused.
“Argued? Ah, mother, if it had been something you wanted you would have cried a little and then you'd have got it!”
 
Sand and Fur Coat
Tom: Last week a grain of sand got into my wife's eye and she had to see a doctor. It cost me three dollars.
John: That is nothing. Last week a fur coat went into my wife's eye and it cost me three hundred dollars.
 
No Hoes
A thirteen-year-old boy was sitting on the sofa watching TV when the telephone rang.
“Hello, my son,” it was his father's voice, “Where is your mother.”
“Mother is out working in the garden.”
“What!” barked the father, “your mother is not as young and strong as she used to be. Why aren't you helping her?”
“I can't.” was the reply. “Grandma is using the other hoe!”
 
Coincidence
A woman was singing. One of the guests turned to a man by his side and criticized the singer.
“What a terrible voice!” he said. “Do you know who she is?”
“Yes,” was the answer. “She is my wife.”
“Oh, I beg your pardon,” The man said, “Of course her voice is not bad, but the song is very bad. I wonder who wrote that awful song.”
“I did.” was the answer.
 
I Can't See
An Irishman was once serving in a regiment in India. He did not like the climate there and decided to think out a trick by which he could get home. He went to the doctor and said to him, “My eyesight is very bad. Can you help me?”
The doctor looked at him for a while and then asked, “Well, but bow can you prove to me that your eyesight is bad?”
The Irishman looked about the room and at last said, “Well, doctor, can you see that nail on the wall?”
“Yes.” Replied the doctor.
“Well then,” said the Irishman, “and I can't.”
 
Tom Saw a Tiger
“Last week,” Tom said to his friend Ned, “I went for a walk in a large park. It was very cold; the wind was blowing. Suddenly I saw a tiger.”
“What did you do?”
“I looked at him, put my hands into my pockets and went home,” answered Tom.
“Did he run after you?” asked Ned.
“No, he didn't. You see, it was in the zoo.”
 
All Languages Spoken
An Englishman arrived at a hotel in France and read the following words on the door: “All languages spoken here.”
He spoke to the manager in English, German and Russian, but received no answer. At last he asked in French: “Who speaks all the languages here?”
“The hotel guests,” was the answer.
 
Ten Cents
Robert asked his mother for ten cents. “What are you going to do with the money?” “I'm going to give it to a poor lady, “he answered. “You are a good boy,” said the mother proudly. “Here you are. But why are you so interested in the old lady?” “She is the one who sells ice-suckers.”
 
A Polite Boy
Little Tom, in a crowded bus, is sitting on his father's knees. An old lady gets on the bus, and the boy at once jumps down and says: “May I offer you my seat?”
“Thank you, little boy. You are really a good child!”
 
Are You Going to Dance?
Everybody was dancing while a young girl sat alone in an armchair. Just then, she was happy to see a handsome young man coming towards her.
“Are you going to dance?” asked the man pleasantly.
“Yes,” she whispered.
“Good,” he said, “May I have your seat then?”
 
A New Son
Old man: May I sit here?
Young man: No, you can't. The seat is occupied.
Young man : (to a beautiful girl) Eh…yes. The seat was for her. She is my sister.
Old man: Really? Then I am glad to see you, my new son.
Old man: She is my daughter.
 
Just the Opposite
One warm summer morning before breakfast a rich gentleman was walking in the park near his house.
Suddenly he saw a man, who was sitting under a tree. The rich man never met this man before. The man was rather pale and poorly dressed.
When the rich gentleman approached him, the man rose and said, “Good morning, sir, a fine day, you come out rather early.”
“Yes, I did,” answered the rich man. “I came out to see if I can get an appetite for my breakfast. But what are you doing here at such an early hour?”
“You see, sir,” said the poor man, “I came out see if I can get a breakfast for my appetite.”
 
An Opposite Example
An aesthetics professor's grandson asked his grandfather. “Grandpa, why did you say that all the falses are ugly?”
“That's certainly true. Couldn't you give me an opposite example?”
“Oh, yes,” the grandson, climbing on his grandfather's knees, said proudly, “Look at yourself. When you put on your false teeth, you looked younger and lively; when you get off them, your mouth looked empty and shrivelled, that's really ugly. Isn't it an opposite example?”
The professor could find no answer.
 
At a Loss
Son: Papa, where were you born?
Father: New York, dear.
Son: where was Mamma born?
Father: In Los Angeles.
Son: Where was I born then?
Father: In Washington D.C. .
1013 : It certainly is funny how we three people got together, isn't it?
 
Keep Feeding Him Nickels
A mother saw her three-year-old son put a nickle in his mouth and swallowed it. She immediately picked him up, turned him upside down and hit him on the back, whereupon he coughed up two dimes. Frantically, she called to the father outside.
“Your son just swallowed a nickle and coughed up tow dimes!”
“What shall I do?”
Yelled back the father, “Keep feeding him nickels!”
 
The Same Mother
Billy and his brother Davy were in the same class. The teacher asked them to write a composition: “My Mother”. Davy wrote one and Belly just copied it. The next day, the teacher asked Billy. “How is it that your composition is exactly the same with Davy's?”
“We have the same mother, don't we?”
 
A Friend of the Duck
An American tourist was lunching in a restaurant in China whose speciality was duck. The waiter explained each dish as he brought it to the table: “This is the breast of the duck. This is the leg of the duck. This is the wing of the duck.
Then came a dish that the American knew was chicken. He waited for an explanation. Silence. “Well,” he finally asked. “What's this?” “It's a friend of the duck.” said the waiter.
 
It's Not a Picture
A middle-aged couple went to the gallery. The wife, who was nearsighted, stood before a big picture of a woman's image and cried out, “Dear me, how could a woman be so ugly?”
“Don't be so fussy,” said the husband. “It's not a picture. It's a mirror!”
 
It's Unfair
Once there lived a man who was so lazy that no job was fit for him. In order to make a living he one day went to a neighbor of his for help. The neighbor advised him to be a cemetery caretaker as it was the easiest job one could find. The lazy man was delighted and soon became a cemetery caretaker. But to everybody's surprise he resigned his job three days after he got it. “It's unfair.” he said to the neighbor angrily. “In the cemetery all the others are lying still while I am the only one who has to stand.”
 
My Gift to the Judge
Man: Can you tell me which judge will hear my case? I want to send him some bottles of good wine.
Lawyer: No, I can't. To tell you the truth, if you do so, you will break the law and will be sure to lose the case.
Several weeks later, the lawyer heard that the man had won it. So he said to him in surprise.
Man: Yes, of course. But I put my opponent's name on the card with the drink.
 
A Hundred Per Cent
Patient: Doctor, please tell me the truth. What are my chances to recover?
Doctor: Just a hundred per cent! Statistics show that only nine out of ten die from the disease: Now nine of my patients have already died from it, you are the tenth!
 
Who Are They?
A portrait painter was very much worried because no customers had ever come to him. A friend of his advised him to make a painting of himself and his wife and hang it outside his studio as an ad. The poor painter did so. The next day his father-in-law came to see him.
“Who is that woman?” asked the old man as he saw the painter.
“Don't you recognize your daughter?” replied the artist, feeling somewhat annoyed.
“Hm,” said the father-in-law. “Then why have you painted her sitting together with that ugly stranger?”
 
I'm the Dead Donkey's Father
A traffic accident happened in a small town, and the place is crowded by many people.
A man, who liked watching very much, came late. He could see nothing because he stood behind. Suddenly he had a good idea and then he cried. “Let me in, please. I'm his father!” The other people were surprised, and stepped back in order to let him in. When he entered in and saw clearly, he couldn't say a word: A DEAD DONKEY WAS LYING ON THE GROUND.
 
I Saw Father Get I
 

相关内容

英语小笑话

   校园幽默四则 1. Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and ...

英语小笑话

   英语幽默笑话: 一:She Didn"t Say Anything A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her father and said, & ...

英语小笑话

   Who were the Other TWO? An adjective has three qualitative degrees:good,better and best. The pernickety English grammar teacher married a man of quality ."You are the best woman in my life,announced the groom on their wedding night. "And ...

英语小笑话

   某学生刻苦学习英语,终有小成.一日上街不慎与一老外相撞,忙说: 某学生刻苦学习英语, 终有小成 .一日上街不慎与一老外相撞, 忙说 : "I am sorry."老外应道:"I am sorry too." . 老外应道: 某人听后又道: 老外应道 . 某人听后又道:"I am sorry three." . 老外不解, 老外不解,问:"What are you sorry for?" 某人无奈, 某人无奈,道: ...

英语小笑话

   黑衣使者英语学习系列 1 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a se ...

英语小笑话

   黑衣使者英语学习系列 1 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a se ...

英语小笑话

   Keys? Kiss? A friend of mine was giving an English lesson to a class of adult who had recently come to live in the United States. After placing quite a number of everyday objects on a table, he asked various members of the class to give him the rul ...

英语小笑话

   . 和外国人拼英语 和外国人拼英语 国人 一人在公交车上不小心踏了外国人的脚,心想咱不能给中国人丢脸,于是卯足了劲 说了句英文: I’ “ m sorry” m sorry too” 外国人一想:在人家国土上咱不能不礼貌。于是忙点头: I’ “ “ 此人一听急了:Two?以为我不会数数?咬牙道: I’ 外国人大惑不 解: What “ m sorry three” are you sorry for?” 此人心想好啊,连 FOUR 也出来了,我和你拼了!: “I’ m sorry five! ...

英语小笑话

   Honesty A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place. . . Man:What's the problem,officer? Officer:You were going at least 75in a 55zone. Man:No,sir,I was going 65. Wife:Oh,Harry.You were going 80.(Man g ...

英语小笑话

   A Good Boy Little Robert asked his mother for two cents. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You're a good boy," said the mother proudly. "Here ar ...

热门内容

小学六年级上册英语教学计划

   小学六年级上册英语教学计划 一、学生知识能力习惯态度分析 六年级共有 学生,学生对英语学习兴趣整体有所下降,两 极分化比较严重。所以本学期应做好后进生的转化工作。教师应 该面向全体学生,以学生的发展为宗旨,始终把激发学生的学习 兴趣放在首位,注意分层教学,引导学生端正学习态度,掌握良 好的学习方法,培养学生良好的学习习惯。 二、教学目的任务 1、能按四会、三会的要求掌握所学单词。 2、能按四会要求掌握所学句型。 3、能使用日常交际用语,活用四会句型,进行简单的交流,做 到大胆开口,发音正确。 ...

英语六级作文高分技巧与高频词汇、短语

   (摘自王长喜真题高分技巧) : 关注社会热点,紧跟时代步伐是准备六级作文的一个很重要的方向。考生需注意的:写作 中要包含提纲中所给的要点,尤其是部分考生可能会漏掉理由阐释,每一段都要有齐名 (topic sentence),给阅卷老师以清晰的感觉,会对你的得分有好处。第二,虽是传统的 观点类作文体裁,但是尽量不用使用模板,以免造成不必要的失分,句式要富有变化,多一 些亮点词汇和亮点句型.比如很多考生会写 With the development of……,I believe that……之类 ...

初中英语其它口诀

   初中英语其它口诀 听力口诀 听力训练,每天不断;听后朗诵,先易后难; 分清考点,速记要点;轻取所需,音绝何难? 阅读理解口诀 读分精泛,快慢相间;预想在先,生词不看; 抓住观点,重点三看;行云流水,字里行间; 材料观点,铭记心间;牢记问题,抓住关键; 回问查看,比较选项;选择答案,排除在先; 先易后难,不可弄反;调整节奏,计时答完; 表达方式,必须牢记;防止遗忘,勤于动笔; 边答边查,防止题落;节省时间,避免遗憾. 英语单词记忆"口诀" (1)记单词,要"五到& ...

英语教研组计划

   2010 年??2011 年第一学期英语教研组活动计划 一、指导思想与思路 以学校总体工作为依据,以学校教科室教研工作计划为指南,以促进教师专业发展为目 标,坚持科研与教研并轨,以更新教育教学观念为先导,以培养学生的创新精神和实践能力 为重点,紧紧围绕课程实施中的基本问题,深入而全面、扎实而有效地开展教育教学研究。 总结课程实施过程中形成的经验,寻找解决问题的方法,为学生的发展服务。深入开展以校 级和市级课题研究为主要途径的教育教学改革,进一步加强教育教学常规建设,努力营造英 语教育教学的良 ...

医学英语

   B 病症学 pathognomy, 病理 pathogenesis, 奔马音 gallop sounds, 病邪 pathogenic factors, 八纲辩证 eight principle syndrome differentiation, 半表半里 semi-exterior and semi-interior C 肠粘连 intestinal adhesion 肠易激综合征 irritable bowel syndrome 垂体分泌缺乏的 hypophyseoprivic 促甲状腺 ...