1
What is the longest word in the English language?
SMILES: there is a mile between the first and last letters!"
Submitted by: Kevin Penner

2
Teacher: Maria please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Maria did.
Submitted by: Kmankoolman

3
A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk

4
A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.
Submitted by: Anonymous

5
A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.
Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!
Submitted by: Nick Henry, ESL teacher in Korea

6
What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).
Telegram
Telephone
Tell a woman
Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.
Submitted by: Dave & Brendan
EDITOR'S NOTE: Maybe you could teach your students the phrase "politically correct" and discuss it.

7
If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.
Submitted by: Anonymous

8
A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk

9
"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".
Submitted by: Ugur Yavuzturk

10
When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.
Submitted by: Chris Fisher

11
A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!
Submitted by: Genti Biraci

12
A very drunk man comes out of the bar and sees another very drunk man.
He looks up in the sky and says, "Is that the sun or the moon?"
The other drunk man answers, "I don't know. I'm a stranger here myself."
Submitted by: Anonymous

13
A man is talking to God.
The man: "God, how long is a million years?"
God: "To me, it's about a minute."
The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?"
God: "To me it's a penny."
The man: "God, may I have a penny?"
God: "Wait a minute."
Submitted by: Freshteh Sadeghi

14
Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.
One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"
Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."
His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."
A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"
With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."
The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"
Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

15
An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.
"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.
Submitted by: Willaim Greaves

16
A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!
Submitted by: Fred

17
Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?
She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.
(Requires basic knowledge of the Cinderella story and that both ball and coach have double meanings.)
Submitted by: Jillian H.

18
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".
Student: I is the...
Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I".
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.
Submitted by: Monirul Hassan

19
Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."
Submitted by: Tshifhiwa Rambau
1 The Story of a Snail
When a snail crossed the road, he was run over by a turtle. Regaining consciousness in the emergency room, he was asked what caused the accident.
"I really can't remember," the snail replied. "You see, it all happened so fast."
2 Do Me a Favor
The mechanic was very busy when I took my car in for repairs, so I settled down in the waiting room with a book I'd brought along. The mechanic was in and out answering calls, and at one point he stopped and looked at me . "Would you do me a favor and flip back a few pages when someone comes in? That way it won't look as if you've been here all day."
3 The Very Last Birthday
When I was approaching 50, I announced to my three grown children that I no longer wanted to celebrate my birthday and that they could phone me instead of sending a gift. At first they protested, but finally they agreed to go along with my wish. So when the doorbell rang on the morning of my birthday, I was surprised to see the florist delivering a huge, beautiful plant. Suddenly, without a word, she rushed back to the truck and , with a sad look, turned once to glance at me. Puzzled, I read the card attached to the plant: "To Mom-with lots of love-on your very last birthday.
4 A Call from a Frog
A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, "You are going to meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about you . "
The frog says, "This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or what?"
"No," says the psychic. "Next semester in her biology class.
5 I'm a bachelor
Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt. A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms. Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked. "Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor."
我是个单身汉
杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗。一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填,杰克填好递上表格“还有什么漏填的?”护士问。 “有!”杰克想了想说,“我是个单身汉。”
 

相关内容

英语小笑话

   校园幽默四则 1. Two Birds Teacher: Here are two birds, one is a swallow, the other is sparrow. Now who can tell us which is which? Student: I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher: Please tell us. Student: The swallow is beside the sparrow and ...

英语小笑话

   英语幽默笑话: 一:She Didn"t Say Anything A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her father and said, & ...

英语小笑话

   He Won Tommy: How is your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. 他赢了 汤姆:约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗? 约翰尼:他害病卧床了。他受了伤。 汤姆 ...

英语小笑话

   1、They are directly from America Not long after an old Chinese woman came back to China from her visit to her daughter in the States, she went to a city bank to deposit the US dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk checked ea ...

英语小笑话

   黑衣使者英语学习系列 1 A man goes to church and starts talking to God. He says: "God, what is a million dollars to you?" and God says: "A penny", then the man says: "God, what is a million years to you?" and God says: "a se ...

英语小笑话

   Today, I texted my boyfriend saying hi. His response, "I got your best friend pregnant". FML 今天,我给我男友发短信说:“Hi”。他的回复是:“我把你最好的朋友肚子搞大了”。FML Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. Thinking I was being cute I spelled out "Marry Me" in al ...

英语小笑话

   The New Teacher George comes from school on the first of September. "George, how did you like your new teacher?" asked his mother. "I didn't like her, Mother, because she said that three and three were six and then she said that two ...

英语小笑话

   . 和外国人拼英语 和外国人拼英语 国人 一人在公交车上不小心踏了外国人的脚,心想咱不能给中国人丢脸,于是卯足了劲 说了句英文: I’ “ m sorry” m sorry too” 外国人一想:在人家国土上咱不能不礼貌。于是忙点头: I’ “ “ 此人一听急了:Two?以为我不会数数?咬牙道: I’ 外国人大惑不 解: What “ m sorry three” are you sorry for?” 此人心想好啊,连 FOUR 也出来了,我和你拼了!: “I’ m sorry five! ...

英语小笑话

   Honesty A man who is driving a car stopped by a police officer. The following exchange takes place. . . Man:What's the problem,officer? Officer:You were going at least 75in a 55zone. Man:No,sir,I was going 65. Wife:Oh,Harry.You were going 80.(Man g ...

英语小笑话

   英语幽默故事 She Didn't Say Anything A mother and son were washing dishes while the father and daughter were watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a crash of breaking dishes, then complete silence. The girl looked at her father and said, “It was M ...

热门内容

英语测试内容效度分析方法研究

   维普资讯 http://www.cqvip.com 20 0 7年 4月  湖 北 教育 学 院 学 报  J u lo  b iI si t   fE u ai n o ma  fHu e  n t u e o   d c t   t o Ap . 0 7 r2 0   Vo .   NO 4 124 .  第2 4卷第 4期  英语测试 内容效度 分析 方法 研究  游桂 兰  苏 惠芬2   ( 武 汉 工程 大 学 ,武 汉 4 07 ; 2 黄 石理 工 学 院 ,湖 北 黄 石 ...

小升初英语辅导讲座模拟题A

   小升初英语模拟题 A 一,单项填空(每小题 1.5 分,共 30 分) 1. My mother makes me at the stadium every Sunday afternoon. A. dance B. danced C. to dance D. dancing 2. This is a very famous teahouse in Beijing, I . A. hope you to visit B. hope you visiting it C. hope you vi ...

韩语字母与英语音标的对照表及键盘位置

   韩语字母与英语音标的对照表 元音部分: 元音部分: 基本元音: 基本元音: 1O = father 里面 a 的发音 1S = polite 里面 o 的发音 1W = go 里面 o 的发音 1\ = do 里面 o 的发音 的发音(比起1\ 嘴唇要放松) 1a = put 里面 u 的发音(比起1\,嘴唇要放松) 1c = see 里面 ee 的发音 Y 元音: 元音: 音和1O 1Q = 1c音和1O音连读 音和1S 1U = 1c音和1S音连读 音和1W 1[ = 1c音和1W音连读 ...

研究生英语入学考试词汇

   Smart 词汇记忆组群 1: : plausible a.似乎合情理的,似 乎可信的 applause n.喝彩;夸奖,称赞 applaud v.喝彩;称赞 acclaim v.欢呼,喝彩;n.喝彩 claim v.①要求,索赔②声称, 主张③值得;n.①[C]权利,要求 权,所有权②(for, on)索赔③主 张,断言 exclaim v.呼喊,惊叫 exclamation n.感叹,惊叹 reclaim vt.①收回②开垦 proclaim vt.宣布,声明 announce v.①宣 ...

谈英语阅读的深层理解_兼谈_赞扬的好处_

   第 22 卷 第 1 期 2001 年 J OU RNAL 玉林师范学院学报 ( 哲学社会科学) OF YUL IN T EACH ERS Vol . 22 No . 1 COLL E GE ( Philo sop hy & Social Science ) 谈英语阅读的深层理解 ?? 《赞扬的好处》 ? 兼谈 沈燕琼 ( 玉林师范学院 英语系 讲师 ,广西 玉林 537000) 【摘 要】 传统的阅读理论把阅读理解看成是读者通过视觉接受文字符号信息 , 运用词汇 、 语 ( 法知识 ...