一篇典型的 6 分 argument 范文
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Sample Topic: The following appeared in a popular health and fitness magazine.
留学,考试,TO EFL ,GR E,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VI SA,文 书,签证,论坛 ,出国 ,申 请,美 国,英国,欧洲 ,加拿 大,USA "j
“A ten-year study of a group of 552 men from Elysia showed that long-term consumption of caffeinated black tea was associated with a much lower risk of stroke. Of these men, those who drank more than three cups of black tea a day had a 70 percent lower risk of stroke than those who drank no tea. These results suggest that health-conscious people should consume at least three cups of black tea a day, beginning early in life.”
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首先看看官方给出来的一些提示: Strategies for this topic This argument cites the results of a ten-year study of men from Elysia to draw a very broad and general conclusion that all “health-conscious people” should drink at least three cups of black tea a day, beginning at an early age.
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In developing your analysis of the argument, you should ask yourself whether the study results actually support the general conclusion. In particular, you might want to consider such questions as the following: l Is the observed association between tea drinking and reduced stroke risk necessarily a causal relationship, as the argument assumes? l Could there be other factors, such as diet and/or exercise that might account for the observed reduction in stroke risk? l Were the men in the study at high risk of having a stroke to begin with? l Had the men in the study drunk three cups of caffeinated black tea a day, beginning early in life? l Would the results of a day of men from Elysia be necessarily applicable to a wider population that is, to women and to people who are not from Elysia? l Is a ten-year study of this kind long enough to yield an accurate measure of the reduction in stroke risk? l Would drinking one or two cups of caffeinated black tea a day have the same presumed benefit as drinking three cups of the tea a day? l Are there other health risks associated with drinking three cups of caffeinated black tea, especially for the young?
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Considering possible answers to questions such as these will help you identify several weakness in the argument’s line of reasoning. You can then develop each of these points in your critique of the argument.
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可以看出实际上一个题目的设定是可以“漏洞百出”的,远不是那么容易就给写 exhausive 了,如果自己能独立提出这些问题,你的 argument 就不会千人一面,而你 的展开和思考就体现自己独特的一面。下面看文章:
Essay Response ? Score 6
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Before prescribing large quantities of black tea to the general population, the evidence given in the argument should be examined from several other angles. 看看人家的开头 多漂亮!Before prescribing large quantities 起手,一下子把场景给写活了。The researchers who conducted the Elysia study seem to have assumed that drinking three cups of black tea a day has preserved the health of some of the Elysian men without examining any other factors which may have affected the results of the study. 大家再 复习一下所有的 5 分和 6 分官方 argument 范文的开头吧??其均有异曲同工之效,而 尤以此篇为妙!
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这里的 without examing…..指出“漏掉一些 factor”应该说是作为 thesis 领开了全文。 注意这里 without 的用法其实很巧妙,和中文不太一样??大家要逐渐熟悉学会类似的 表达法。 写英文很多时候语序等方面和中文满拧的, 在此不多谈语言方面, 继续看文章:
|留学|签 证|TOEF L|GRE c!{)O X\lbpm
First of all, for an experiment to be accurate, it must be controlled, with a balance between the experimental and the control groups. 提 出 TS : 这 一 段 主 要 讨 论 experiment control 的问题了:In the above study, though, we know nothing about the ages, backgrounds, and general health of the men involved.好好看仔细了什么叫“具 体” “实例” We also do not know if the tea drinkers were of the same age, background, and general health as those who did not drink tea. Further, if the tea drinking men in the study were all quite young when the study began, they might only be 35 years old today and thus be at small risk of stroke just because of their age.一个 35 加上 just because of their age 很具体??立刻就到位了。 The same is true of their general health.再继续分析,不放过: If they exercised regularly, ate healthily and never smoked, then their decreased risk of stroke might have nothing to do with consumption of black tea and might simply be an indication of a healthy lifestyle.
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看看这段用到的这些词: age, background, general health, 35, young, exercise regularly, ate healthily, smoke, lifestyle。现在各位有没有一点,至少是感性的认识了?希望各位 写 argument 的时候不要掉书袋, 一幅理论高深的样子跟那里 “false analogy” “red 甚至 herring”都跑出来,会把人家吓得严重汗的,自己装装傻,childish 一点,跟那里“装 模作样”的一五一十提出大大小小“实际”的反驳意见??这才是有用的。Analytical Writing??不管立论还是驳论,就是要跟人家说明 why,而且是 Specifically discuss why,要不然你的 critical thinking 去哪里体现??
留学,考 试,TOEFL,GR E,GMAT,I ELT S,SAT,VISA ,文书 ,签 证,论坛,出国 ,申请 ,美国 ,英 国,欧 洲,加拿大 ,USA W `6_UH U VHm :A'Mi*x
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也看看承接词:also,further,the same is true…很漂亮的衔接。这个段落超级缜密, 无懈可击。
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We might also ask: How do the two groups of men break down in terms of ethnicity? Do all the men in one group belong to one ethnic group and all the men in the other belong to a different ethnic group? Perhaps the tea drinkers are from an ethnic group whose members have a low risk for stroke as compared with the ethnic group of those who drank no tea. If this were the case, the study’s results would be questionable, at best. 跟上面的本质上都是一样的:variable。这一点在后面的 commentary 里面也提到 了。可以观察一下这个段落的“微格”结构。
留学,考试,TO EFL ,GR E,GMAT,IELTS,SAT,VI SA,文书,签 证,论 坛,出 国,申请,美国 ,英国 ,欧洲 ,加 拿大 ,USA6C _0A x"X"OY
Another element to consider is this: perhaps the group who have a higher risk of stroke have this higher risk not because they abstain from drinking tea but because they are heavy smokers, or are grossly overweight, or because they are all in their 70s and 80s and are in poor health and have circulatory problems. We just don’t know. 可谓把“实 例”发挥到极致了,有了前面的部分到这里那些 if…的话也不用说了,直接列出来,立 刻就说明问题。
留学,考试,TOEFL,GR E,GMAT,I ELT S,SAT,VISA ,文 书,签 证,论坛,出国 ,申请 ,美国 ,英 国,欧洲,加拿大 ,USA;W`YW/D
到此为止都还是一个 variable 与 control 的问题。而如果就此结束只是找到一个 major flaw??显然不可以。人家还有那么明显的 major flaw,不说可就意味着没发现呀:
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Furthermore, even if Elysian tea in certain amounts is beneficial to men, what about women?没得说,一看起手句就明白下面要讨论什么了。其实可以注意一下这篇文章的 每段起手句:都不是我们这边常见的“概括了全段”的那种死板写法。起到了引出段落 确定讨论范围的效果完全足够,起手句的写法才没那么死板: The argument says nothing about tea’s effect on women, so it therefore cannot make the recommendation that all people should drink the tea.实际上这一句才是本段的 Topic sentence……看出 来了吗?谁都没规定过必须第一句就是 TS,真正的行文是很灵活的。 Perhaps there is something in the tea which would adversely affect women. 关键还是“实例”展开。 我们有不少 argument 到了刚才上面一句写完之后要不然就没辙了, 要不然就来个 if so, then…又返回去说车轱辘话, 就是想不到再往这里 “深入” Perhaps there is something ! in the tea which, when drunk in prescribed amounts, will adversely affect a woman’s ability to bear healthy children.步步深入,更具体了。 The point is, a generalization about women cannot be made from studies done on men; studies done exclusively on men on the risk of heart attack have taught us that much. 返回论点,继续强调。 In addition, the argument fails to rule out possible side-effects that might make tea drinking inadvisable for some people.最后稍微再带一下,把整段实质上关于“人群” 的讨论给做了收尾。
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What if we consider some important terminology in the argument? 要开始质疑“偷换 概念” For example, what does “long term” mean? In the ten years of the study, does
“long term” mean all ten years? Or does it mean several months at a time over a period of X number of years? 到底 long term 和 10 年是不是同一指代 And what does “lower risk of stroke” mean? Does it mean that the tea-drinking men will still probably suffer strokes, but not until their later years? Or that they absolutely will not have a stroke, no matter what? The problem is that key terms in the argument are too vague to be meaningful. 这里使用了连续问句作为展开的手段。Claria 那篇 6 分范文里面也使用过 连续问句作为一个段落并受到了肯定的评价。但是奇怪的是我看到我们这里的 argument 文章用起问句的时候却经常是和范文效果大相径庭。我想问题的核心可能在 于我们有些 argument 里那些“问”问的是太不着调。像上面这一段是 3+3 六个问句, 每个 3 里面,后面两个问句都实质上给出了作者的“答案” 。Claria 那篇文章更是每个 单独的问句都暗指作者想要表述的 “答案”可是我们这里有些 argument 问题问完了 。 “答 案”谁都不知道??看的人也一样,写的人也一样。写的人提出一个问题然后自己不回 答,再加上后面一起弄得看的人一头雾水,怎么能有好效果?包括反问、设问等等,人 家范文里面用得很好,我们如果只学了形式没学会实质,用出来之后自然只能让别人看 着诡异。
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In conclusion, any legitimate experiment must be strictly controlled and include a broad cross-section of the population. The Elysian study fails to do that. 简单明了。 The Elysian study fails to do that. 一锤子就砸下来了。结尾和开头同样精 彩。
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看看 ETS 的 commentary:
|留学|签 证|TOEF L|GRE a-L oiKI
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Reader Commentary for Essay Response ? Score 6
|留学|签 证|TOEFL|GREl j6[@3uu
This cogent and well-articulated response presents an insightful analysis of three central problems in the argument: l Apparent absence of necessary controls in the study of Elysian men (e.g., the study failed to consider variables such as subjects’ age, diet, and general health, and did not necessarily have balanced experimental and control groups) l Unwarranted generalization (e.g., from Elysian men to Elysian women and children) l Use of vague terminology (e.g., “long-term” and “lower risk”)
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实际上,我认为文章整体组织顺序只要做到“有一定顺序”也就可以了。上一篇非典型 范文中的层层让步,这篇中的彼此独立,都算常见。在比较过全部官方范文后,到底各 个段落的顺序如何安排,没观察到同样的趋势,不同文章各显其能的。因此我认为,只 要你的安排“有顺序” ,并且做到了“smooth transition” ,这方面就完全 okay,不会出 问题的。
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Development of each of these points is both thorough and cogent. The writer asks effective rhetorical questions(语言技巧也帮了忙) and provides specific examples of the kinds of details that are missing from the argument. In addition, overall
organization is exceptionally clear, and transitions both between and within paragraphs are smooth. Throughout the response, the writer clearly establishes logical connections with the use of phrases such as “Another element to consider,” and “The same is true.” The writing is gener
 

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