作文讲评
一.写作步骤
【审题】①文体:议论文;②人称:第三、第一人称;③时态:一般现在时 【提纲】 第一段:很多同学赞成动物园笼养动物。 (他们认为这样) (人们就)有机会亲眼目睹野 生动物,这有助于培养(人们)对动物和自然的爱; (同时,(笼养)还能保护动物免于 ) 野生环境的危险。 第二段: (相反地)很多同学不赞成动物园笼养动物。 (他们认为)笼养动物浪费人力物 力,破坏生态平衡。同时,动物也失去自由。 第三段:在我看来,笼养野生动物是错误的,为了保证他们健康成长和生态平衡,应该 释放所有野生动物。 【圈点短语、句型】(详见下文) 同意/支持……观点;反对……观点;有……的机会;看一看……;培养对……的热爱; 保护……免于……; 防止……; 逃离……; 免受…… (侵害) 一则……, ; 再则……; 做…… 没好处;对……有完全不同观点;是……的浪费;对……有负面影响;对……有坏处; 剥夺……;以……为基础;与……比较而言;释放;保持生态平衡;就个人而言 【灵活表达要点】先写简单句,再添加连接词,改写成复合句。 第一段:很多同学赞成动物园笼养动物。 (他们认为这样) (人们就)有机会亲眼目睹野 生动物,这有助于培养(人们)对动物和自然的爱; (同时,(笼养)还能保护动物免于 ) 野生环境的危险。 很多同学赞成动物园笼养动物: ① Many students in our class support / approve of the idea that animals can be kept in zoos. ② Many students in our class agree that zoos can keep some wild animals. ③ Some of the students in our class think it (is) a good idea to keep animals in zoos. (他们认为这样就)有机会亲眼目睹野生动物: ① They argue that they will have the opportunity to see wild animals if (they are) kept in zoos. ② They think that if animals are kept in zoos, they can go and have a close look at them. ③ They believe that only in this way can they watch wild animals easily, clearly and safely. 这有助于培养(人们)对动物和自然的热爱。 ① It helps (to) increase people’s love for animals and nature if they see wild animals in zoos. ② Taking a look at wild animals can increase people’s love for animals and nature. ③ It is good for people to see animals in zoos, because they can develop a further understanding of animals and nature. (笼养)还能保护动物免于野生环境的危险 ① Wild animals can be protected from dangers in the wild.
② Wild animals can be prevented from being endangered if they are kept in zoos. ③ Animals kept in zoos can get away from the dangers in the wild. 【试比较下列句式】 ① Those who favor the idea think it provides chances for people to see wild animals. It might also develop people’s love for animals and nature. Besides, animals in zoos can be protected from dangers in the wild. ② Some of the students agree with the idea, arguing (that) it is good to keep animals in zoos. For one thing, they can have a look at wild animals and thus develop their love for animals and nature. For another, wild animals can be free from dangers in the wild. ③ Some of the students are for the idea, holding the opinion that people can develop further understanding of animals and nature if they can see animals in zoos and that animals kept in zoos can get away from dangers in the wild. ④ Some of the students support the idea, saying (that) if animals are kept in zoos, they can be protected from dangers in the wild and that people will also have the opportunity to see theses animals, which helps (to) increase people’s love for animals and nature. 第二段: (相反地)很多同学不赞成动物园笼养动物。 (他们认为)笼养动物浪费人力物 力,破坏生态平衡。同时,动物也失去自由。 很多同学不赞成动物园笼养动物: ① Other students are against the idea about keeping animals in zoos. ② Other students think it (is) no good keeping animals in zoos. ③ The rest of the students have a totally different attitude towards the idea. (他们认为)笼养动物浪费人力物力,破坏生态平衡: ① They think (that) it is a waste of money and labor to keep animals in zoos and that it will damage the balance of nature. ② They argue (that) keeping animals in zoos is a waste of money and, worse still, will have a negative effect on the balance of nature. ③ They believe that it is a waste of money and labor to keep animals in zoos, which will also do harm to the balance of nature. 同时/另外,动物也失去自由: ① At the same time, animals will lose their freedom if caged in zoos. ② Besides, animals will have no freedom when kept in zoos. ③ In addition, animals will be deprived of freedom when living in zoos. 【试比较下列句式】 ① However, those who are against the idea think that it’s a waste of money and labor to keep animals in zoos. It’ll also damage the balance of nature. Besides, animals will lose their freedom if caged in zoos. ② Totally different from those above, the rest of the students base their opposite opinion on
three facts. First, keeping animals in zoos is a waste of money and labor. Second, it will have a negative influence on the balance of nature. Third, animals will be deprived of freedom if kept in zoos. ③ On the contrary, other students hold the opposite opinion, arguing that keeping animals in zoos is a waste of money and labor, and will also damage the balance of nature and that animals will lose freedom if caged in zoos. ④ Compared with those mentioned above, other students have a totally different attitude, believing that keeping animals in zoos does great harm to the balance of nature and deprives the animals of freedom and that it is also a waste of money and labor. 第三段:在我看来,笼养野生动物是错误的,应该释放所有野生动物, 以保证生态平衡。 ① In my opinion, it is wrong to keep animals in zoos. All animals should be set free so as to keep the balance of nature. Isn’t it a harmonious scene where animals live in the wild at their will? ② Personally speaking, I insist that it is wrong to keep animals in zoos and that animals (should) be set free to keep the balance of nature. ③ I personally feel it is wrong to take animals away from their natural living areas and keep them locked up. The decrease in the number of animals living in the wild may lead to the destruction of the balance of nature. Therefore, I suggest the animals (should) be set free to keep the balance of nature. 【添加连词,连段成篇】 Dear editor, I’m writing to tell you about the discussion we held on whether it is good to keep animals in zoos. Those who favor the idea think it provides chances for people to see wild animals. It might also develop people’s love for animals and nature. Besides, animals in zoos can be protected from dangers in the wild. However, those who are against the idea think that it’s a waste of money and labor to keep animals in zoos. It’ll also damage the balance of nature. Animals will lose their freedom if caged in zoos. I personally feel it is wrong to take animals away from their natural living areas and keep them locked up. Yours sincerely, Li Hua
二.本次作文常见错误: 时态 语态 主谓一致 习惯表达 句子结构 单词拼写等
  1. it contributes to develop the love to animals

  2. Some students against this opinion.
  3. …see the animals from/ by their own eyes.
  4. what’s more, as a result of which, it is a …
  5. by this way,…
  6. It’s waste of money…
  7. those who favour of the idea…
  8. some students stick to keeping animals in the wild
  9. Opinions are devided on this question.
  10. It can protect animals from the dangerous of nature.
  11. They will lose free.
  12. it is harm to the environment
  13. Keeping animals in a large zoo which offers the same environment as the wild world.
  14. (另起一段) While others had different opinions.
  15. Some animals are very few.
  16. in the nature; in wild;
 

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